New Year, New Things On The Horizon

Well a new year has started.  I don't feel different, just very alone.  I can't tell if I am growing or becoming stagnant in my life.  Everyone around me seems to be happy and in love, two things I am not.

I am moving to Colorado soon.  It is a place I am unfamiliar with and I have to be honest, I am nervous.  I seem to spend all my time thinking about life and how I don't have a love or don't feel like a place has been set at the dining table of life for me.  It is a very weird feeling.

My cousin Johnny, invited me to breakfast this afternoon at 1:00.  I had a cup of cappucino at "My favorite things" in Pensacola.  Its a cool little cafe that  hasn't been opened all that long.  When Johnny decided to head back to New Orleans, I decided to make my rounds at Cordova Mall.  I decided to catch, what was left of "Michael" at 3pm.  It was a great movie about love and learning to love in this crazy chasm of voidness.  It was about loving life for the short time you are here and believing in love and never giving up faith.

Things happen in my life for a reason, and for a reason unknown to me, I was drawn to see this movie.  I am sure it has to do with me falling in love again.  I need to learn to love others, love life, but most of all, I have to learn to love myself.  I feel like I am dealing with issues that have never arisen until now.    I am learning that there are no guarantees.  Life is truly a journey, not a destination.  If I could have two wishes, they would be 1.  To be happy and 2. To be in love.  They seem to be closely related.  When i was in love, I was happy.  I felt like I had purpose and direction.  Now I feel like a vagrant cast out to the wolves with no one to share with.  Again, I need to learn to respect and love myself.

I am going to give up on meaningless relationships that temporarily fill the void.  Where are the positive, loving reltionships?  What happened to my sprirituality?  My quest begins, right now!

Until next time...

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