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Showing posts from September, 2000

September 29, 2000-Friday

Today was another great day. I woke up at 7 and made coffee as i always do. I met Tony at 9:00 and we went to Village inn, had breakfast and discussed the situation about Maryann and I. Tony said he wished it could have worked out between the two of us. He also offered his place up for me to stay when i told him i had to move out. He didn't even think twice about it. He offered up one of his spare rooms and said i could stay as long as i needed to. That blew me away, i started crying and said thank you because i wasn't sure what i was going to do. He paid for breakfast and we went out to his house in parker where I had been doing construction for him. I stained and painted all day. I finished up at about 6:30 and loaded some firewood for the two houses.

For the most part i felt good. I tried to stay positive and think about the great things headed my way. I came home at 7ish and maryann fixed pasta. I busted out a bottle of red and decided i was going to polish it …

September 28, 2000-Thursday

Today started off great and seemed to end that way as well. I posted an ad on excite personals and have been getting good responses off of it. This tends to bolster my self esteem a good bit. I went over to Rod's, our next door neighbor, to borrow his mower. I told him i wasn't working and he said he may have some work for me. He is really busy and needs someone to help him out.

Maryann and I had our last couples counseling session tonight. It went as well as can be expected and I am resigned to the fact that there is nothing more that can be said or done to fix this relationship. We got about mid way through and i told Nancy that I was done. I told her I realized that there are no concessions left in Maryann and that she wants the divorce...period! I think maryann will go to Nancy for individual. Seems like Maryann needs it, but who am i to judge, to each their own.

I worked out tonight after our session. The bike kicked my ass. Body for life is going great. I rea…

September 26, 2000-Tuesday

Great workout!
Stuck to my eating plan (Body for Life)
Sent out resume's all day. I just finished reading, "You don't have to make everything all better" and began "Excuse me, Your life is waiting. What a fantastic book. It says that your life is about your feelings. Feel sad and attract sadness into your life. Feel happy and attract happiness and love into your life.

Maryann is very unhappy. I, or should i say, she said that I invalidated her feelings. She got so mad that she made me move all of my stuff out of her room. We talked but to no avail. I wasn't hearing her and she wasn't hearing me. It was an argument grudge match with no real winner. We both became extremely upset. She realized that we aren't compatible for each other. We tried to understand where the other is coming from, where we went wrong...this was a bad idea because it lead to more arguing.

Mark (the man she had the affair with) called while we were arguing. This reall…

September 25, 2000 - Monday

Today was a tough day. I feel bad that I don't have a job. Maryann was upset all day. She is stressed and seems to really want the divorce. Oh well, i can't control what she does. She can't handle my stability issue. She wants to have a family and wants to know that I will be a stable rock. It is hard when i was the only one putting forth the effort and working two jobs to keep our household afloat.

I need to move on and find someone who appreciates me. I need someone who will love me for who I am. So far no good. I have settled. Tomorrow is an active job search day. I look at jasmine (our chocolate lab) and I realize how much she loves me. She has been sleeping on my bed since we separated several months ago.

What a great friend she is. Loves without judging and just wants to be played with in exchange. That is love, unconditional.... My feelings are that of sadness. I always shoot for the best, but in this situation, I don't get what i shoot for.

Brok…

2000-09-24-two years????

Back up and validate Maryann's feelings about the abortion, our divorce and our future financial worries. Stop trying to solve problems or even worse, get answers, the answers will come later.

"god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things i Ican and the wisdom to know the difference"

Call about birth certificate
Call about lawyer for house
Call other agency, Brad

Today was our 2 year anniversary. I made the most fun of it that i could. We went to Changs and had shrimp with lobster sauce and chicken w/cashews and almond. Very tasty and satisfying.

we drove out to the new flatiron crossing. We shopped at old Navy and bought some clothes. After shopping we went to the food court and got some soda's and some cookies from Mrs fields. I was able to do it because it was my off day.

We went to the bear factory to stuff a bear. It was a last ditch effort on my part to see if anything was still there...anything at all. We waited in line fo…

2000-09-23-Invalidated

Today I am pissed. I found out that Maryann is getting a massage paid for by Mark and she accepted. Once again Maryann is invalidating my feelings. She doesn't hear what I am telling her and continues to accept gifts from Mark. I can forgive it when it happened in the past, I cannot forgive it when it keeps happening. Does she feel anything for me? Her actions tell me this marriage is over. She isn't doing anything to terminate it with Mark. She is not making an effort because she feels she is "tired" or "confused" I cannot continue in a relationship when my feelings don't matter.

I know she is confused because Mark is still in the Picture. I am upset but I am glad that I can get in touch with my emotions. I feel she may be lying to me because of the past. Is she really going to see Mark? Not really a massage? A Rendezvous? I feel confused now. why can't relationships be simpler. Why cant we get into relationships w/ a handbook given …

2000-09-22

Today was a good day emotionally. I think Maryann still loves me, but is very confused because of Mark.

I went to the gap today and bought some new clothes for me. I also bought a new CD which i really like, "Fuel-Something like Human". I found out maryann pulled out 2500 from our account. At times she is seems uncommitted and other times she is in it. Who knows at this point.

Went to club HeartThrob with Robert and Joe. Mary from work ended up meeting us there. Maryann became jealous when Mary asked me to dance. I ran into Antoine, the Fed Ex guy started talking about all the flowers maryann had been receiving. I advised him that they weren't from me.

I decided to give Maryann a taste of her own medicine. I asked the coat girl for her number. She gave it to me right as Maryann walked up. Maryann was pissed. Our situation is fucked and not to be repaired. She has made up her mind.

She shared how mad it made her and how upset she was. I said, "good, now yo…

2000-09-21

Well I overslept today. I guess its okay. I will still be able to get my workout in tonight. I told Maryann that i did not want to mention divorce anymore until we can finalize this (whatever it is)

I worked til 2:30. I spoke with Judi for an hour today. She wants to meet next monday. She has a great outlook on life as well as a great voice. She and her husband went through similar things that Maryann and I am going through. Her husband cheated on her, she cheated right back and then they went to counseling. She seems very nice and is married so I don't think pursuing is a good idea.

Counseling went well. Sandee say that I need to get more in tune with my feelings. We discussed the group session from last night. In all, it was very rewarding. I asked maryann if she would appreciate it if she would not talk to Mark during this trial we were going through.

I was checking email and her mobile rang...wonder who that is...Fucking Mark. Who knows how long they chatted. I kno…

2000-09-20-tired of trying

I am very tired. Very tired of trying to figure out where Maryann and I stand. I believe in my heart that she is moving on. I feel she has made that decision with Mark, not me. I can't deny it any longer. I am so tired. I hope to write again soon

2000-09-19

Chad, this is a friendly reminder to MOVE ON. You are being played like a finely tuned guitar. If you can't see it, you never will. Maryann is dating Mark while you are still married. Wake up and smell the Java. Absolutely, No more intimate contacts with her. I am not sure you can see the destructive cycle. Before long it will be who can get even with who. That is not like you, never has been and never will be. Cut your losses and move on.

Don't allow yourself to be a guitar. Anger, lots of anger. Lets hope I can sleep. Focus Chad...Maryann decided to move on. You need to sever ties. October 1 is your deadline. I love you!

I am a good person
I am on this journey for a reason and that reason becoming more evident daily
I respect myself and those around me.

Until next time

2000-09-18-Rollercoaster

Today was a very hard day. Emotionally I was all over the charts. Thinking about work, no money, selling off Janus fund, selling dad's business, My mom, the divorce. I have decided that I am going to be nice to Maryann, but I will no longer divest feelings into this marriage. She is on her own to deal with feelings about this marriage. She can call Mark and get answers from him.

I feel that Maryann has a lot of issues that she is going to have to work out. I wish her the best. I do know that we are not right for each other. I have been putting her on a pedestal lately.

I will never do that again. By doing that you say that the other person is better than yourself. I focus now on me. I am trying to find a place by Octber 1st. I think it will be good for both of us. Tomorrow i have to get the divorce papers in order and file them.

I had someone call on the volvo today. I hope I can sell it that way I can get a Jeep, the Jeep that I have wanted for so long. I am not sure…

2000-09-16-becoming strong again

Woke up at 7:30 and made some coffee. I checked email and plan to cut grass and plant some decorative grass and pull weeds. I am excited to go to the gym in about 20 or 30 minutes to run. Body for Life is going very well. I may be slightly screwed come monday due to no product but I am sure I will live and find a way to figure it out, I always do.

I hope Maryann and I will discuss last night and what it means to her. I think her emotional well being is okay. Soon to find out.

Chad S. keeps calling me. I am going to have to have a talk with him about this problem of playing sides. Unfortunately, he plays both sides of the fence. It reminds me of what my uncle brad used to do. I don't like that shit at all.

Seems that he was playing Maryann's side about moving back in with her. Then he went out with me and says that Maryann was not right for me, which may be true, but he is playing sides.

I feel strong again. I am slowly beginning to feel connected to the world again. I…

2000-09-17-good day

Today was a good day. I did a bunch of yard work. Planted trees and some shrubs and some ornamental grasses. Turned out really well. I also cut and replaced molding that Jasmine ate. I am going to have to repaint and buy paint that will match the trim and baseboards.

Maryann and I went to coldstones and had some kick butt ice cream with twix. I took a two hour nap from 2 to 4. What a great nap. Had a horrible dream, probably because of what is going on. see below
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In my dream this afternoon, Maryann and I were talking about us. She said that I was a horrible lover and that she had been dating behind my back. She kept pointing out different guys that she thought were cute and guys she had been out with.

She also said that she never enjoyed making love to me. She said that the last time we made love that all she could think about was how horrible it was.

She shared that her new lover was much better and knew how to satisfy her. She be…

2000-09-12

Today was a good day. I test drove a Jeep. I want one so badly I can taste it. I think a jeep symbolizes who i am all over. I am tough, rugged, and can go anywhere. I am going to work towards getting a Jeep.

I had an idea to do remodeling and construction...that would be fun. I think there are lots of possiblities out there at this moment.

I am looking forward to being single again. I love sex. I haven't yet experienced a threesome so I am putting that out there in hopes of finding it. What does this have to do with how I am feeling? Everything! At this moment, I am sexually frustrated and can't think straight.

I got more mixed messages today. Maryann is definitely over me. She has been for a while. I wonder when we will file for divorce? I should join a choir. I should learn to play the guitar and piano. Its never too late. I am going to star life for the first time absent of emotions. Its kind of like being in highschool.

Mom isn't doing well. Hopefully s…

2000-09-11-Emotionally drained

Well today was very hard again emotionally. Maryann read a letter
that she wrote and said she still wishes she was carrying our child. I find it extremely hard to believe after a weekend with Mark. I think she said it to make me feel better. Who knows... I only worked till 11:30 today due to her flight coming in. I had to wrestle with emotions, but in the end, I think I am okay with moving on.

She admitted to having sex this weekend. She said she didn't but I know better in my heart. She might not love Mark, but she sure doesn't love me. Time to move on. Acceptance---It happened and there is no more making love to her. No more cuddling, just talk. (As i am writing this I am thinking "I wish i could make love to her because she looks so good"

Time to move on for me. I will miss her but I have learned so much. I don't want to write anymore today. I am tired of writing for now and will read. Goodnight...

I do love me.

Until next time...

2000-09-10-moving about and breathing

Went to the movies and saw "What lies beneath" Very good thriller with Harrison ford and Michelle Pfieffer. I saw this really attractive girl in the theatre by herself. I wanted to go talk to her, but i lost my gumption. When the movie ended, she was walking pretty close to me. I opened the door for her and held it open for a second. She said, "Thank you...", with a huge smile on her face. I am not sure if she lives around here. Any how, Strausser said "never miss an opportunity" I like it and may use it as my motto.

I would say, my self esteem has taken a blow which in turn as affected my courage. I am going to try and be positive about this situation. Not for Maryann, but for me. I am being given a new lease on life or a second chance or a do over. I guess I need to look at it like, "I now get to design the perfect mate for me"

Maryann is totally all about the money. I somehow feel that she was saying things this whole time that ac…

2000-09-09-somberness

Today was okay. I am learning to let go. It is strange but when you enter into this kind of commitment with someone, you never expect this kind of outcome. The good thing is knowing that bad things sometime happen to good people. I think its in this badness we learn.

I am extremely tired and drained today. More tomorrow I hope

Until next time...

2000-09-08-the reckoning

Well it is 3am and I started packing up my stuff to move out by months end. I read Maryann's journal and it revealed all. The sex, the lies! How fucking Naive was I? I hope she is content with her choices. Like father like daughter. Marriage is not what it used to be. It seems that people used to honor marriage and were true to the vows they took. Not anymore. I feel I will not get involved in a relationship for a very long time because of this reason.

Marriage has turned into a noun instead of a covenant that it was supposed to be. Oh well, I am so fucked in the head right now so I don't think my vote really counts. I shall keep busy until months end. I cant dwell on this relationship any longer. She made her bed, now she can lie in it. I am not sure if she will be able to stay in the country, unless she decides to marry mark. Who knows, who really cares?

I am concerned for and about me now, Maryann is on her own. I will dream of positive change. I quit TGWW to…

2000-09-07- a dream

In my dream, Maryann asked me twice, "Are we making the right decision?" I replied, "I feel in my heart, I feel it is so. I think it has to do with last night's counseling session and her need for assistance on making decisions.

I meditated today for about 10-15 minutes and the outcome was unreal. My question to my higher power, was "does she love him more than me?" The overwhelming response that I heard was, "No, she loves you not him.." I sat quiet again for a moment and once again heard, "she loves you not him. Mark filled a need that you did not. He was there for her at a time when you were somewhere else. She wants and loves you but feels betrayed and angry"

I still love Maryann. If she could learn to be faithful to me, I promise to love her like none she has ever known. She is my night and my day. She is my shield and my friend. She has been there for me during my low times and the favor shall be repaid.

I realize that I a…

September 6, 2000

I am feeling more confident in my writing. As this was writen in my journal originally, the script was clean and not cursive. My journey to Mississippi was more one of growth than of loss. Although my father passed, and I miss him terribly, this trip seemed to be about life and growing up.

So often we think that life will last forever and that the ones we love will always be there. This is not the case. We live, we learn, we love and eventually we pass on. Our physical bodies expire. So often in my life I get caught up in everything around me that I forget about what is really going on in life. So often I have been alone on my journey that I forget the importance of meeting those special people along the path. On numerous occasions, I have met people that have opened their hearts to me, showing love an understanding, and in all the instances, i seemed to have pushed them away. I have done this either by not showing my love in return, or ignoring basic needs. I feel this is w…

September 4, 2000

Ground plans for "The Gym" Latest equipment, great staff helping build the gym. I see myself in front of investors proposing my idea. Helping people to get in shape and stay that way.

Again, I envision a fitness center on a busy street, any street in your town. Great equipment, wonderful staff, lively colors, In house ACSM, NSCA and ACE certification. Sports medicine clinic attached