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Showing posts from October, 2000

October 25, 2000-Wednesday

Today was tough, i realized just how much negative energy i have been sending out. My mom, the divorce, maryann is all doing me no good. I need to focus more on my wants rather than my want nots.
I have decided to pay maryann her money and be on my way. Better to be done with it. Focus on your wants. I want the divorce to be over, I want to start my new life and start writing the next chapter in my life. I want to be happy. Maryann and I shared happy moments, however, we were not meant for each other.
I have met lots of other nice single women, however, I need to stop divesting so much money into that and more into me. Dating needs to take a back burner. I love me. I may plan a road trip to Mississippi I need to send out a vibe to my mom. She needs the positive energy all the time. My life is great right now aside from the divorce. I just need to keep the focus on continually getting better. " I did not miss you much, I did not suffer, what has not killed me has made …

October 15, 2000-Sunday

Couldn't sleep in. I wanted to, but i woke up at 8:00. Drank my coffee with creamer (free day body for life). Checked email on my sweet new dell laptop that i got. Did a boatload of laundry and cleaned out the cabinets
I finally decided to go to the mall, bought some jeans, boxers and a cord for my phone. Went to see Kathy at HobbyLobby but she wasn't in. Came back home and measured my friend Tony (Body for life). I cooked some glazed chicken, rice and broccoli for dinner. I went to walmart and bought mixers for our shakes
Today I felt pretty good and enjoyed the solitude. I can really absorb my surroundings, rather than trying to run away from everything. I came to peace with hiring the attorney. I am fed up with Maryann belittling me and wanting to take half....Haven't I already given her 1/2, now its my time. I am quite certain if roles were reveresed she would do the same.
Anyhow, I will discuss it more tomorrow with Tony and his brother Robert. I am a great …

October 14, 2000-Saturday

Woke up at 7:00. Decided to sleep in a bit :-). Was a bit tired. Went and saw a lawyer about the maryann deal. I feel that because she is the one that cheated on me, for the longest time I have felt that I was the bad guy. I guess i felt this way because i had to move out of the house and have to pay her 50% . I am still unsure about this lawyer thing. I don't think she is bad, I guess i just never felt that I would have to get an attorney. The attorney is trying to get me what is rightfully mine. Maryann caused an interruption in life for me, so there should be some compensation.
I got upset yesterday because i closed my valve off. I went to my friend Dan and Liz's new house and I became so envious. I thought to myself, here i am 29 years old and have nothing. I am also up in the air about what to tell maryann about money. (we sold our car and i kept the $2900) I will call the lawyer and ask her today. I have a lot of thinking to do today. Hopefully I will be a…

October 13, 2000-Friday

Ahhhhhh friday the 13th

Good day as i worked for Tony today and he and I talked today. He was very upset with his brother for not being responsible for his life. Tony was also upset with people in General always coming to him in their time of need. Its like they always want to take advantage of him. People know he has money so they turn to him in their time of crisis.

It helped me to understand better about what sets Tony off. I also realized that I don't want to be a thorn in his side. The sooner I can be out the better. I will take care of all responsibilities while here (anything that he requires of me) and try and pay him rent money. This way I show up as someone who cares in his book and am not a free ride.

Spoke with Marla tonight...she is hella hot and cute. Had a great time at her concert. Must not get involved with anyone yet (yet why am i dating?????????) I need to focus on me and stay positive. I want to focus my energy on the house of my dreams. Eliminate what…

October 10, 2000-Tuesday

Great day. I have been getting lots of responses from my excite ad. Wourked out at Tony's other house from 9-4 today. Felt good and stayed positive. it was a gorgeous day and I got a lot done. i have not been thinking about maryann that much. I am going to ask the judge to waive the 90 day cooling off period since Maryann is still seeing mark. I feel it is not fair. I have tried to be decent, it seems that Maryann does not

Anyhow, i went on my first internet date tonight. Very cool girl whose name is Marla. She is very pretty, great attitude. I like all her mannerisms and she is friendly. T-man and I are goin to he birthday party on Saturday. I am hoping it will be a blast. I have to remember that I am very vulnerable and may need to avoid intimacy for a while. Self gratification may be the key?

October 9, 2000-Monday

overall a good day. Picked up the proofs from photographer, Marcia. There were 9 or 10 good ones for the portfolio. $144.00 bones. I was also told that I will need more body shots...shirt off, boxers, cycling, working out, etc.

Thought about Maryann a lot today. Thought about her and Mark...YUCK! Oh well. She hasn't loved me (or herself) for a long time. I know know that i could never take her back because of her decisions that she made.

I will begin to focus on myself and making me happy again. Mike B. was upset that I wouldnt take his offer on the car. I explained to him that even if he found a 2000 volvo d40 for 23 he wouldn't be able to get it at that price plus taxes. He was upset because he had it diagnosed, so i offered to pay 50% and told him to think about it. He said he found a white one for 19,500 and i told him to buy it...he admitted he was bluffing and gave me 22,500 for it

Spoke with Kathy tonight...we talked about lots of stuff including intimacy, to …

October 7, 2000-Sunday

Today seemed to be a great day. I went to tony's second house and worked from 9 to 5. I accomplished a lot and talked with his brother robert for a bit.

Today was also emotional good for me. I was up more than i was down. What happened between maryann and i was a 50/50. I am just as responsible for the failure as she is. She seems to have lots of issues that she cant let go of. She seems unhappy with herself. She has jumped from relationship to relationship. She seems to seek happiness from outside sources. I wouldn't have been able to pursue a relationship with her until she sees the error of her ways..which she may never.

So i met this little cutie Kathy tonight. I met her at the bar the other night and she gave me her digits and i decided to call her. She is very cute. We went to chili's for dinner. Had a very good time. We also saw, "Meet the parents". I thought the movie was funy but it hurt watching fokker get picked on so much. After the mov…

October 5, 2000-Thursday

Today was move out day. Very wierd. I got everything done by 2pm. I ate lunch and went to counseling. Good session. She prompted me to keep a positive network of friends and stay active.

In a quest for a new relationship, whenever that happens, I need to define what I want out of that relationship. I want someone who will love me for me, unconditionally. I want someone who won't quit when things get rough as they sometimes do. I want someone who won't consider abortion as an option to pregnancy. I want someone who wants to build a home, not a dwelling. I want someone who loves to share and will allow me to become a great listener. I want someone who is not afraid to commit long term. I also know I need to work on consistency. I say one thing and do another. I have been sending mixed messages...i want to become more focused.

Maryann and I had dinner together. She cooked her famous fried rice with chorizo. I hooked up her stereo and decided to leave. It was wierd…

October 4, 2000-Wednesday

Seemed to be a good day. Realization of everything has set in. Time to adapt to what has happened and make some changes.

I puttered around at Tony's all day. He left for Phoenix. I will be staying at his place. Hopefully no more than 3 months. January 1, 2001 is estimated move out day. I need to remove myself from Maryann's no later than tomorrow. I won't be able to do anything for Tony since i need to borrow his truck and get er done. I did work out and felt excellent.

Came back to our house and packed some more. I will take stuff over in the morning, pick up tony's truck and get the rest in the afternoon. more tomorrow???

October 2, 2000-Monday

Woke up late...Tired!
4:30 came too fast. I slept til seven. I have been getting to be way to late. 12:30 every night.

Today was my modeling shoot. I took 3 color and 1 roll of black and white. I am excited and think it will turn out okay. I have no more money. I am broke...I love it! I can't seem to get into the positive place and will try again tomorrow. I want to wake up feeling awesome. I enjoy looking around down here. You never know what you will find. I am tired and will journal more tomorrow. I wrote Maryann a letter. Basically it closes this chapter of my life...well not officially

October 3, 2000-Tuesday

Today was classified as a bad day. I felt down all day. I worked with Tony all day. Came home to Maryann at 8:30 and talked.

I was very upset with how Robert handled things with Mary. She called me today and was crying and very sad about Robert finding out. I am sure she is pissed and won't want to talk to me ever again.

Today was so bad that I finished off with a "Chocolate Martini Blizzard" as my friend Tony called it. Overall feeling overwhelmed emotionally. I am trying to change my programming so that I am not so negative.

October 1, 2000-Sunday

Woke up at 8:00 am today. Was going to have the 2nd garage sale today, but didn't. Maryann and I chatted briefly about what happened in our relationship, what went wrong and some possibly whys. Let me start by saying that when something goes wrong...fuck the whys. Don't try and figure out the why's. They tend to hurt you more than they do good. They are mostly irrelevant.

I went to the game with the girl i hooked up with from the office. We had a fantastic time, even though the damn broncos lost to the raiders (assmunches). On my way home i stopped and got some cotton balls and face toner to keep my face beautiful. Maryann and I discussed my moving out and how soon it could happen. I told her Tuesday, possibly Thursday at the latest depending on how soon i could get my stuff squared away.

I am sad how this relationship turned out. I am confused as to why i couldn't have learned more earlier. I am upset with myself for choices I have recently made. I am mad…