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October 1, 2000-Sunday

Woke up at 8:00 am today. Was going to have the 2nd garage sale today, but didn't. Maryann and I chatted briefly about what happened in our relationship, what went wrong and some possibly whys. Let me start by saying that when something goes wrong...fuck the whys. Don't try and figure out the why's. They tend to hurt you more than they do good. They are mostly irrelevant.

I went to the game with the girl i hooked up with from the office. We had a fantastic time, even though the damn broncos lost to the raiders (assmunches). On my way home i stopped and got some cotton balls and face toner to keep my face beautiful. Maryann and I discussed my moving out and how soon it could happen. I told her Tuesday, possibly Thursday at the latest depending on how soon i could get my stuff squared away.

I am sad how this relationship turned out. I am confused as to why i couldn't have learned more earlier. I am upset with myself for choices I have recently made. I am mad for not being a better husband to Maryann. I am somewhat glad that we are growing and learning all over again. I am happy that i am moving on and hope that Maryann finds true happiness, not just monetary security and hopefully one day she can forgive me. I still love her and wish we could have communciated in this non threatening way all along. I will definately miss her and all of her subtleties. I will miss not waking up next to her. I will miss not making love to her and in general, i will miss her. Uh...hello...where is the positivity in any of that?

I am excited because tomorrow is my portfolio shoot. I love me and am on this journey for a reason. I love and respect everything.


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Feels like a throat punch to my heart

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To my shock, I saw that her sister had passed on the 22nd of November.  I was shocked because I knew that she wasn't that old.  I reached out to an old mutual acquaintance and found out it was pretty sudden and unexpected.  That had me in some kinda mood.  Because of that, I began to text and email friends and check in and make sure then were okay.

I got a text message from a close colleague I used to work with at a previous job.

Beck: "whats shakin CB"
Me: "Not much just wanted to say hello.  Had a wake up call today.  Found out first girlfriends sister just passed away.  So sad...she was young"

Screw back up plans

Yes I said it.  Yes I have had quite a few unsuccessful ventures and I have recently started reading blogs that suggest backup plans.  I don't agree and I will tell you why.

When you have a back up plan you have an "oh shit that didn't work and I have to do something about it". Its like whatever it is going on in your life is going to fail or stop being at some point. Newsflash: You are correct!  NOTHING lasts forever. Your job, your marriage, your income stream, your family and most certainly not your startup or your job.  For those of you wishing to go back to the old days, its not going to happen.  The age of chivalry is dying and the startup that you create will be dead within 10-15 years.  We don't live in our parents or grandparents economy. Hell the way we communicate is changing. See example below and try and decipher what I am saying to you


Did you figure it out yet.  If so, please pat yourself …

Just a friendly update on me :-)

Hey everyone

Just wanted to give an update. You may remember that I said I was going to be coming back to California, well it is official.  I am heading down May 1. I will most likely take the train and stop in Napa to visit my cousin Stephen Bordes at his winery for a day or two.  From there, I will catch a train to San diego.

I am currently looking for work and open to any positions that may be available, I just ask that you don't hold it against me because I have a masters degree.  I have seen many companies shy away from hiring me because I have a Masters Degree.  I am honestly looking to get off my feet and find a base of operation. My home is California and I know that now.  I am native and the air, soil and water are in my bones.

I am looking to establish which means I will need to find a place to live (that I pay for monthly), maybe even get a car (down the road) for now I know that I will have to use the bus and I am okay with that. I am nervous as hell about this move …