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October 1, 2000-Sunday

Woke up at 8:00 am today. Was going to have the 2nd garage sale today, but didn't. Maryann and I chatted briefly about what happened in our relationship, what went wrong and some possibly whys. Let me start by saying that when something goes wrong...fuck the whys. Don't try and figure out the why's. They tend to hurt you more than they do good. They are mostly irrelevant.

I went to the game with the girl i hooked up with from the office. We had a fantastic time, even though the damn broncos lost to the raiders (assmunches). On my way home i stopped and got some cotton balls and face toner to keep my face beautiful. Maryann and I discussed my moving out and how soon it could happen. I told her Tuesday, possibly Thursday at the latest depending on how soon i could get my stuff squared away.

I am sad how this relationship turned out. I am confused as to why i couldn't have learned more earlier. I am upset with myself for choices I have recently made. I am mad for not being a better husband to Maryann. I am somewhat glad that we are growing and learning all over again. I am happy that i am moving on and hope that Maryann finds true happiness, not just monetary security and hopefully one day she can forgive me. I still love her and wish we could have communciated in this non threatening way all along. I will definately miss her and all of her subtleties. I will miss not waking up next to her. I will miss not making love to her and in general, i will miss her. Uh...hello...where is the positivity in any of that?

I am excited because tomorrow is my portfolio shoot. I love me and am on this journey for a reason. I love and respect everything.

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