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Showing posts from 2001

What a Day...

A time to journal again. What a difference a year makes. I have more confidence, less money and I have never been happier. It seems that is what life is all about. I have less but love life more. I am learning to truly prioritize what is important to me.

Money is no longer a motivator for me. You do what you are. Each person is given a gift. It is up to us to remember that. Maryann is almost completely out of my thoughts. I don't wish her harm and I wish her well. I will send her what I can when I can. Just like all the other creditors, Maryann is no longer an ex wife or a friend, just a debtor...someone that I learned and expensive lesson about

Now i have Fatima in my life and she is understanding, caring and a wonderful friend. We have long conversations and keep great company. I guess I had to be with Maryann to realize what i don't want and through it I realized what I want. Fatima and I share similar experiences in life. We respect one another for our experi…

Almost a Month?

Well it has been almost a month since i met Fatima. I can honestly say that it has been one of the best, if not the best months of my life. We call each morning and talk each night before we go to bed. We seem to really understand each other. I respect and admire her, she respects and admires me.

Tonight she came over and we kissed and laid in each others arms. She is such an amazing kisser. Her lips are soft and pull me in so deeply. In watching "Twice upon a yesterday",I realize that she is the love of my life. I couldn't have stayed married to maryann because she wasn't the one.

I have never been so happy in all my life. When i am with her, I cannot get enough. It was so hard to tell her to leave last night (she has to be home by 1am). She makes me feel so good about myself.

I am approaching this relationship from a different standpoint, yet i feel she is my soulie. She is awesome.
I am feeling very good about this one and about myself lately. I feel i am…

The Best Days

Well I am happy to say that as of today, I am off the singles market. Fatima and I decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend and I am excited about this new relationship. She is so amazing. She and I seem to feel the same way about relationships. I feel myself being able to fall for her without any restrictions. I am going to take my time since i don't want to scare her away. I have also decided not to charge into sex on this one. So far I like what I see. We both agreed to hold off on sex for a bit and when we are both ready we will go ahead. I get nothing but good vibes about this one.

She is so beautiful that I cannot put it into words. Amazing in spirit and in person. She is the woman I have been waiting for. She is funny smart patient kind and loving. She likes me for who i am, not what I can become. Her lips are the softest and sweetest I have kissed to date. Her smile will brighten anyones day. Her laugh will make you smile and laugh at the same time. Her vo…

Turn it around baby...

Things have definitly turned around...Mentally! Tuesday September 18th I met the woman of my dreams. We met on MSN chat. It was so random how we met. She was getting ready to log out, i logged in to see if any local folks were going out. I saw her name, clicked her profile and the rest is history. Her name is Fatima. It is such a beautiful name. She is 23, 5'8", tall, olive skin, brown eyes, exotic and an angel.

We have been getting to know each other outside of sex as friends and it is lots of fun. I never believed in love at first sight, but I do now. It seems funny that if you aren't really looking, love walks out in front of you. The universe answers...

Fatima is that miracle. She was sent from the heavens to find my lost soul in that chat room. Now we have incredible conversations and have shared very similar heartbreaks in our lives. I can't stop smiling when I think of her. I feel I had a lot of misdirected energies and Fatima is helping me redirec…

So Confused...

Hard day today because I had to finally put the axe on Dana and I. I have to do the same with Lisa. I am so broke, I can't even afford to go get her from the airport. The thought has crossed my mind of becoming a Personal Trainer again. It would keep me busy and my mind off of money.

I am really sad about where I am in life. I am upset that I don't save any money. I am resolving to spend less. I have to get my debts paid off. I hope to be more upbeat tomorrow

Until next time

Called the Relationship Quts...

Spoke with Dana today. She said she does not want to speak to me anymore because of the celibate decision. I know that she is awesome. I think if timing were different, we would probably get married, but timing is way off. Nonetheless, i still like her

My mom called me out of the blue today. She wasn't drunk, which was awesome. We talked about Maryann and the divorce being final and Christina. Christina and I are very concerned about her health in that place all by herself. I told her that i love her and that if she needs me, I will move back.

It was great talking to mom. I love her so much.

Until next time...

Motherfuckin Broke Again

Woke up at 4:30...why? Alarm went off and I can't sleep. I have lots of stress in my life. I have applied with several different companies and I hope to hear something from somebody soon. I need to generate cash in my life. I have 5 bucks to my name.

I have also decided to eliminate women in my life. they seem to be too much of a distraction. I feel like I am putting too much effort and energy into them and not me. I had to tell Dana that I like her alot, but I don't think i can continue to see her anymore.

I also told Cora that she is amazing and fun and interesting, but I cannot hook up with her because I might get too emotionally attached. I think she understood. Melissa understood completely because our relationships is purely physical...we hang out when time permits. She totally understood exactly where i am coming from.
She wants to be friends.

Lisa will be a different story. I feel bad because I think she is buying or bought a ticket out to see me. I think i ha…

My Divorce is Final...

Well the divorce between Maryann and I was final on the 8th. I think I need to retain a new lawyer to get out of paying the 540 bucks a month for 3 years. Its kind of rediculous if you ask me.

Anyway, I have a boatload of stuff to do today. I will run errands and play later. I need to focus and direct my energy on making cash. The cards have been dealt, now it is time to play. Anyhow, More next time, i have so much to do today.

Until next time...

Sunday and Anger

Well today is a new day.  I haven't journaled in a while.  I ran about 3 miles this morning.  Pretty cool and I felt good doing it.  I had some coffee at starbucks and then walked over to Warehouse music.  I bought all the Tool cd's.  I really like this shit.  I am getting in touch with my hate side.  Something some people fail to do this because of fear of new things.  I can say I am loving this music.  I think it would be great training music.  Its a clean and concise rock sound.  My long time friend James catches, aka Jimbo, turned me on to this band so thanks Jimbo.

Looks like today is going to be a great day.  The sun is shining, its warm out, birds are making a racket in the trees and right at this moment I am loving life.  I think the divorce should be final any day now.  I am going to have to pay twice as much as before I was married, however, I am glad that this will be over.  I am looking forward to the next life learning lesson or journey.  I found a really cool volv…

Sex Addict?

Major revelation.  I think I may be addicted to sex.  I really like having sex.  You can't fix a problem until you realize there is a problem.  Part of me likes this addiction and doesn't know if I want to fix it.  I do know that i definitely need more of it.

Not much else to talk about today

Until next time...

2001-04-26 Business and Everquest

Pretty uneventful day.  Worked on the fitness networks website as well as travel planners.  I want to fine tune my plans with the website as far as what I want to do.  "Specializing in meetings and incentive programs".  That is kind of the direction that I want to go with.  I need to get fired up and jazzed about doing this.  I want to get people involved.  I want others to share in the enthusiasm.  Anyhow, one day at a time, one thing at a time.  I do need to plan out the purpose of the website and see if names are available.  From there print out business cards.  I reckon I will be best off by tackling this thing slowly and develop it to the best of my ability.

I have decided to cut down on playing everquest.  Way to much time wasted on that game as some sort of escape from my reality.  I am also sad because I don't have a car and because of my Mom's situation.

I am trying to stay focused and attracting a new and better life.

Until next time...

2001-04-25-Tuesday

Well still broke but coping.  Today was an interesting day for me.  I ran errands and then came home to check email.  I had not checked my yahoo messenger account in a while.  There was a message from a couple that must have seen an ad I placed a long time ago on adult friend finder.  They were interested in hooking up.  I was intrigued but had to say no.  I think that is crossing my boundaries.  

I am trying to direct my energy towards work and earning money.  This way i can pay off my debts and look to buying a car.  I have no energy lately.  I will try and write more tomorrow.  I am tired and must get some sleep.

Until next time.

And they Repossessed my Jeep

Well time to journal again. I am miserable. My jeep was repossessed on Friday. I still don't have a drivers license. Bills are piling up and there doesn't seem to be enough income to pay what is coming in. I am getting very depressed. I am trying to move forward but keep failing. I was in great mood. Maybe this is some sort of punishment for the divorce. I am so tired. I have seen enough and experienced more than i think i can handle. I think it may be time to check out.

I just don't have the will to continue anymore. I guess it falls back on the idea that if you tell someone that they are worthless long enough, they will believe you. I am starting to believe that I am worthless and that I don't deserve anything.. I am sad and confused and wish i would be taken away. I am not sure what my purpose is on this planet. I am 30 years old and have to start again from shit. I really want to head out. I don't feel i can fight anymore. I am tired...so so …

Realizations

Five things I realized:

1. Grandpa Bordes' death affected me more than i realize
2. Grandpa Sjoblom's death affected me very deeply
3. My fathers death has not been dealt with appropriately and I never grieved
4. My failed marriage made me realize how quickly i jump into relationships and that there is no such thing as security.
5. My lack of discipline in choosing a career has kept me from being a happy person.
Until next time....

January 17, 2001-Wednesday, Divorce and Moving On

Today was very interesting as I had to meet with my attorney and try to mediate rather than going to court. After two hours of bantering, nothing was accomplished and my attorney said "we will see you in court"

It was very hard sitting across from the woman I professed my love to. It was hard to deal with the negativity throughout the whole thing. It is an experience i recommend you avoid at all costs. Maryann seemed to be bitter about the whole thing. She seemed mad about me pursuing getting a lawyer and pursuing my interests so hard. I was pissed because she cheated on me and expected me to keep everything alright on her side. I continually felt like the bad guy.
I am realizing that it will be a while before i ever say "I love you" again. We say it to soon without knowing all the ramifications. I realized that I jump into relationships too soon seeking security. From here on out, i refuse to be a people pleaser. I need to take care of me and begin lookin…

January 8, 2001-Monday Blues

today was a blah day. Not a lot of hi's or low's, lust Blah as my father would call it. I spoke with the attorney about my wants/needs from the marriage.

Spoke with Julie about my email about me quitting my job and moving to california. She was really bummed. I really feel that i need to dig deeper and find myself. I am 29 years old and still have no clue. I am a collective mass of my parents ideals, friends beliefs, and religions stronghold. I am trying to break old thought patterns and leave old habits behind. Not sure if I will stay with Cornerstone. I am trying to seek out my calling.
Spoke with Maryann today. She called me actually concerned (more from her side because debts aren't being serviced) I explained that I plan to service the debts when I make money. She did no seem genuine at all. I am broke and realized that I won't make any of my bills this month. I may get a check on the 27th. That should get the ball rolling. I that i need to make $10…

January 7, 2001-Sunday

Beautiful day. Spent it with Julie. I helped her clean her house, take out the Christmas tree and cleaned her kitchen. We drove out and visited her cousins grave. It was very emotional.
For me it was a great day and I am slowly learning the purpose of my life. I am going to have to read the book again to learn. I wasn't depressed at all today. I was sad about my dad. I also realized that I need to focus on the now of life. Stop focusing on tomorrow. Learn every lesson from every day. I am learning about letting go. I don't like being broke but am learning to confront the fear.
Until next time...