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Showing posts from January, 2001

Realizations

Five things I realized:

1. Grandpa Bordes' death affected me more than i realize
2. Grandpa Sjoblom's death affected me very deeply
3. My fathers death has not been dealt with appropriately and I never grieved
4. My failed marriage made me realize how quickly i jump into relationships and that there is no such thing as security.
5. My lack of discipline in choosing a career has kept me from being a happy person.
Until next time....

January 17, 2001-Wednesday, Divorce and Moving On

Today was very interesting as I had to meet with my attorney and try to mediate rather than going to court. After two hours of bantering, nothing was accomplished and my attorney said "we will see you in court"

It was very hard sitting across from the woman I professed my love to. It was hard to deal with the negativity throughout the whole thing. It is an experience i recommend you avoid at all costs. Maryann seemed to be bitter about the whole thing. She seemed mad about me pursuing getting a lawyer and pursuing my interests so hard. I was pissed because she cheated on me and expected me to keep everything alright on her side. I continually felt like the bad guy.
I am realizing that it will be a while before i ever say "I love you" again. We say it to soon without knowing all the ramifications. I realized that I jump into relationships too soon seeking security. From here on out, i refuse to be a people pleaser. I need to take care of me and begin lookin…

January 8, 2001-Monday Blues

today was a blah day. Not a lot of hi's or low's, lust Blah as my father would call it. I spoke with the attorney about my wants/needs from the marriage.

Spoke with Julie about my email about me quitting my job and moving to california. She was really bummed. I really feel that i need to dig deeper and find myself. I am 29 years old and still have no clue. I am a collective mass of my parents ideals, friends beliefs, and religions stronghold. I am trying to break old thought patterns and leave old habits behind. Not sure if I will stay with Cornerstone. I am trying to seek out my calling.
Spoke with Maryann today. She called me actually concerned (more from her side because debts aren't being serviced) I explained that I plan to service the debts when I make money. She did no seem genuine at all. I am broke and realized that I won't make any of my bills this month. I may get a check on the 27th. That should get the ball rolling. I that i need to make $10…

January 7, 2001-Sunday

Beautiful day. Spent it with Julie. I helped her clean her house, take out the Christmas tree and cleaned her kitchen. We drove out and visited her cousins grave. It was very emotional.
For me it was a great day and I am slowly learning the purpose of my life. I am going to have to read the book again to learn. I wasn't depressed at all today. I was sad about my dad. I also realized that I need to focus on the now of life. Stop focusing on tomorrow. Learn every lesson from every day. I am learning about letting go. I don't like being broke but am learning to confront the fear.
Until next time...