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Showing posts from May, 2002

Panic Attacks

Nobody understands me. I feel completely alone and realize for the first time in my life, just how alone I am...No girlfriend, no friends, no family. My truck has caused me more grief than it is worth. Money is so tight for me and I am not enjoying life because of it. I have begun resenting my truck...

The voices in my head tell me I would be better off dead. Sometimes I agree. Maybe if I pull myself far away, no one will care. Then when I am far enough away, take my own life. I now realize that Fatima is too busy in her own life to care or help me through my struggles.

I am not able to deal with myself anymore, so how can she be. My ability to be has left me. I shall not hurt anyone else or let anyone else love me...ever again. I shall drift into the sunset and fade away like the last beam of sunlight from the horizon. No one hears, no one cares...

I started today off in a great mood and look at me now. I want to kill myself. I need help seriously and doubt that I will ev…

Getting Older

Today was a beautiful day. I woke up at 8 and went for a run. sat outside and watched the birds and squirrels play. I seemed to have made some amazing discoveries aboutl myself today. I love myself regardless of my age. I am more experienced than most and that is a good thing. Those that don't like that statement, just suck.

Mom seems like she doesn't want to go back to Mississippi. She needs to find a good therapist as well as Doctor Shawn. She needs minimal convincing that this is home. The zoloft seems to be working well for her and she is weaning off the Lorazepam.

I will make this reccomendation to Christina. Mom suffers from the same things that I have struggled with. Time shall hopefully bring her through. I learn more about me as time goes on. Regardless of what others may say or think about me. I am a good man. I have forgiven those around me as well as those not still around me. (aka dad)

Stop the voices in your head...No more lies...you are okay

Until nex…

Run In With Myself

Driving up to Christina's, I realized that I need to fall in love with myself. In listening to the radio, the listeners phoned in and said that "all the self help books in the world won't help those that need to learn to love themselves"

God I am tired. I would love to nap right now. I am depressed...why? Chemically my brain isn't working the way it is designed to. Why am I depressed? Life around me at this moment is good. I have twenty bucks to my name, Sun is out, Mom is safe, Poquito is in good health, I can eat when I need to. I am healthy, my teeth are good, I am handsome, I have a car, I have ajob. I have someone who loves me and I love them back, I sleepwell, I have a roof over my head and I helped pay for a vacation to Europe.

Until next time...

2 Years in This Journal, now a blog

Its coming up on 2 years since i started this journal and I am not even 1/2 way through. I lack direction and motivation. When will you choose to end this cycle chad. When will you Chaddy boy start accepting responisibility for your life. Here it is 2 years later and you are still in the same predicament. No money and buying things you cannot afford.

We leave for Paris soon and for the first time in my life I am not happy to be going. I don't feel like I deserve to be going. I feel that I need to stay here and earn my responsibility. On the other hand, If I don't go, I will be hated by all including me. I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. What should I do?

In a way, I wish my dad was here to talk to. He always seemed to have the right answer at the time. I am not where I want to be because I don't take responsibility for my lack of choices. I need to make a work decision and soon.

Until next time...