this place

This place is bringing me down...I try to remain up beat but there are too many memories. I feel this place sucking the life force out of me. I take my medication but nothing works....the darkness sets in before the sun even rises. I hurt...I cry...i feel low. I predicted this...I caused this by my thoughts. I wake and wish i was dead. Mutual maybe...but regrets are many now...what did i do wrong, again. I hurt to the deepest depths of my soul. I hurt from the front of my body to the back of my spinal cord, from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. Surely this cannot be normal...surely there is something wrong with me. Not sure how much longer i can deal with this pain. Wish there was some way to eliminate the hurt...wish this was over.

I sit at the base of a mountain and look up at this thing...this thing i created in my head. It is an unconquerable mountain. No one can conquer it if they dared try. I build this mountain with every relationship i get into. I dare them to climb it but they fail. As they reach the top, I add more rocks, more ice, more gravel...so that they can not reach the top. I cry...i still hurt...she calls to see how i am doing. I am not sure she cares. I feel that she wants to know she is doing better than me. i don't know...i just know that i have NEVER felt this bad...not even when my father passed away. This pain, so deep, deepens every day.

I want this hurt to go away...I am so tired of crying. I am so tired of the hurt. I want to check out but that is selfish...according to who. My friends aren't in this pain...i am. My family isn't in this pain...i am. They say it will get better and yet with every day it has become a demon that consumes me more so than the last day. Numb...its how i wish i could become...so i wouldn't have to feel all of this. Crying doesn't help anymore...exercise calms the demon momentarily. Am i losing my mind? what is wrong with me? Why can't i be semi normal... Why can't i get into a relationship with someone and have it be normal...be in love...care for me. Why do they always run away from me...i hurt...i cry...i hurt again.

There is no answer for how i feel. Maybe there is but its not the acceptable answer. This was the straw to break the camels back. I thought I knew who i was or what i wanted....but I don't have any clue... I can't go on like this...I keep having bad days and wait for the good ones...but the bad outweigh the good. i write and can barely see the screen from the tears in my eyes...my friends all think i am weak...get over it they may think. I am hurting and can't move....desperation...maybe...I lie to everyone and tell them i am okay...but i am not. I am a burden...on my family...my friends. and this life... Pearl jam wrote a song called life wasted....i feel that is me

I wish i could forget her...i wish i could move on. I built a life around her and hoped we could grow strong. Instead she walked away with dignity in hand. She started her new life, just as the old one began. At one time she was the strength, now her memory the hurt. I feel as if ive failed again, wish to return to dirt.