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Some days your the bat, others the ball...

I try to be a good person.  I don't intentionally lie on my taxes, I don't ignore those in need, and I try not to hurt people or animals.  It seems that the universe has a specific message that it needs me to know.  What ever life you come into or meet in this life, will have long standing implications in the future.  Your actions affect everything in your sphere of being.

As many of you know, My mom recently passed from cancer, however, what you may not know was what I gave up to be with her and by her side.  As I have mentioned before, I have no regrets for my decisions, but there are ramifications with everything.  I was living in Encinitas at a great friends house right by the beach.   It was compound style living but it was good.  Everyone there was friendly and family like.  I had a very simple existence with a bed, a dresser and my clothes and my three cats.  I wasn't a cat person, but somehow the three girls won their way into my heart.  I didn't know what to …

Movie review: The Descendants

out of 5 stars

"Paradise? Paradise can go fuck itself."
Whether it is cancer, an aneurism, an accident, or just old age, you can't choose how your loved ones will die, but what is for sure is what you can do while they are alive.  This movie does an excellent job and analyzing relationships, understanding the human condition, and working past the difficult moments in life.  George Clooney, Shailene Woodley and Nick Krause deliver exceptional performances.  (Many of you may not like Nick, but He grew on me).  The movies seemed to be unscripted at many points and you wont know whether to laugh or cry.

The director is Alexander Payne, who brought you Sideways, About Schmidt, Election and most recently Hung (the series on HBO).  He is really good at examining the complexities of human relationships.  Basically George Clooney is a land baron in Hawaii whose wife was in a speed boat accident and it has left her in a coma.  He realizes he has no idea how to care for his daught…

Taking a step back...

Sometimes in life we have to take a step back and re-assess where we are in the world and in relation to people.  To often I get involved and vested in people that I don't know that well and begin to ingest their problems and in that process, I lose myself.  Its similar to the reason that I decided not to get into a relationship so many years ago, after my ex and I broke up.  I found myself to emotionally vested in the relationship and forgot about myself. 

I find myself much more at peace right now.  I have found a more normal sleep pattern and seem to be getting my 8 hours of sleep, unlike my normal 5-6.  I wake up fully rested and without lots of anxiety in my life.  I have been spending my days getting ready for my grandmother to come over from Sweden.  I am working on getting her room painted and getting the wood floor down.  I feel re-connected and energized.

I have felt the call of being a healer in my life.  I also realize that because I vibrate at an energy level higher th…

Been a while...

So its been a while since I have posted anything on here.  I have been so busy with work and working on trying to get through most of my moms stuff that I have been forgetting to write.  Sometimes, I stare at a blank page, cursor blinking and I draw nothing.  My mind so desperately wants to come up with a topic to write but its like there is an incredible chasm between the brain and the fingers.

Lately, to be truthful, I haven't felt the inspiration to write anything.  I feel like I have been putting everyone elses fires out and keeping the balance, that I don't know where to take time for me.  I have wanted to delve into my book but don't have the motivation.  I want to read, but I am lacking the focus.  I have been enjoying my fair share of netflix and hulu lateley thats for sure.  Not to mention that I have been sleeping in almost every day that I am home.  Its funny but I have my alarm set for 5:30 and when i finally get out of bed is 7:30 or 8.  I guess it is true th…

This time its for good

I just came across this old poem I wrote for my mom on May 14, 2002.  Brought back a rush of emotions



This time its for good

I want you to know what i feel in my heart, is that in this life, I have always loved you

Even though for most of it, apart

My life is so changing and drastic you see

that somewhere in between, we lost the You and me

The tide is now turning and clear shores amidst

the truth in this writing is we have only this

Dreams to hold on to, and some memories to share

The good ones the bad ones and the seemingly unfair

In my life I believed that as good as it gets

is a mother and father who often forgets

The sanctity of life is remaining and true

the bad memories linger, so bitter, but few

Help me now grow and realize the truth

our lives before this were possibly the worst

We shouldn't let these years or days go by quickly

Living our lives depressed, hurt or sick-ly

We shall embrace the future and all that it holds

Breaking and freeing ourselves from the mold

The time to embrace and heal…

When she left...

So many of you may or may not be aware that my mom, Agneta Bordes, passed this friday. I was in San Diego and I got the call from my aunt saying that mom didn't look good and I needed to get home soon.

I felt it like a wave of fire over my entire body and knew that today was the day that my mom would give up her spirit. The traffic gods were with me as I made it to Topanga Terrace in under 2 hours. As I parked, my mind raced with what to expect.

Upon entering her room, the curtains were drawn and dawn and christina were sitting peacefully by her side. My mother looked so frail and her breathing was shallow. Christina changed places with me and I took my moms hand. Christina announced to mom that I was here as I took her hand.  Her once loving and embracing hand now sat relatively lifeless. 

Not really comprehending that my mom was going to be leaving, I held her hand, leaned in and kissed her, and told her I loved her.  I saw her chest expand ever so slightly and the last insp…

failure or life lessons

We have become a society that is addicted to success.  Everything we do seems to be judged on a success based principle.  If you don't succeed at something, you are a failure.  I don't like to call things "failing", just like I prefer not to say that a thing is "good" or "bad", but rather it just is.

Often times we have expectations about the way something should go and if we agree with it, we call it a success, and if the outcome doesn't agree with our expectation, we call it a failure.  I like to refer to those instances, good or bad as life lessons.  When something doesn't agree with your expectation, it was probably never deemed to turn out the way you wanted it to.  There are certain things you can control and certain things you cannot, my advise is learn the difference and love the ride.

Nobody seeks to start a project, venture or business and have it fail.  The truth is it doesn't fail, it just doesn't have the universal bless…

Traveling and why its cool...

This may or may not be a random blog for you to read but I am about to begin a month long travel spree all over the US.  It will entail San Francisco, Maui, Las Vegas, Atlanta, and Miami.  Many of you know that I travel a lot for work and when I can find the time, I stay over a day or two in the locations to get a lay of the land and see what it is all about.  Even though I go to many of the same cities time and time again, it is always an adventure.  You see today I sit in a starbucks in Palo Alto,blogging, and tomorrow I will be doing project management in Maui.
I have taken subways, and trains to numerous destinations.  I have studied timetables and directions.  I have learned the difference between BART and Muni and CalTrain and know how to pull the information I need to get to destinations I have to go to.  Can you do the same?  You see some people look at traveling like a headache.  They think that life is all about the journey and getting there.  I can't tell you how many t…

Waking up to gray

Do you ever have one of those days where you wake up after not much sleep and feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.  You have one of a million things on your mind, such as bills to pay, going to work at a job that you may not love, getting a not so great, but truthful email from a friend, or maybe its a phone call or text from someone that you have hurt in some way.  You try to shake off the gray, but it wont go.  You try to find the inspiration, but because the fog is so heavy, you feel socked in.

Today was one of those days.  I got in late last night from a flight back from Boston and in the midst of sleeping for an hour on the plane, like a dumb-ass, when I got home, I couldn't sleep.  I finally fell asleep at 4am.  I woke up to a gray existence outside.  I also felt the weight of my mom's cancer on me.  Its this inevitable force that pushes down on my chest and makes me realize that she is not going to be around forever and that I have to go visit her an…

It is what it is...

If life were always easy, would there be merit?  Sure it would be nice to always have money in the bank, a sunshine personality, and no backstabbing friends, but the truth is, we were never guaranteed any of that. When something goes your way, it is enjoyable and fulfilling and gives you a sense of understanding and appreciation.  The difficult times, judge your character.  Its easy to run away from conflict, heartache and strife, but what benefit do you get?

Not every situation in your life is going to "come up roses".  My own struggle with my Mom's cancer has lead me through every emotion known to mankind.  I have experienced joy, anger, sadness, despair, lonliness and depression, to name a few.  In truth, there are times I just want to run away, but in reality, I know exactly why I am where I am.  Whether its to be by moms side for a few moments and tell her I love her while she sleeps, or to hold her hand for an hour while she battles the intense pain in her mouth, it…

Do you love your life?

Life sucks sometimes, let's face it.  You wake up in the morning and you feel like you haven't slept in weeks, you don't have enough money for your bills, your late for work, forgot to make the kids lunch, spilled coffee all over your favorite shirt.  You know the routine, but the truth of the matter is you can see beyond that if you choose.  Those scenarios don't have to rule your life.

Every person has the ability to choose his or her path.  Some people choose easy while others choose to follow the path that is meaningful and right for them, full well knowing that it is going to come with speed bumps and all.  The truth is that you know your purpose.  The question is "Will you follow it?".  You know that little voice in your head (can also be heart or stomach), is there for a reason and when you follow it, you begin to see more clearly.  Doors begin to open and roads that didn't exist begin to pave right before your eyes.

But what seems to happen is we…

Minimalism: By choice or necessity

So I have been reading a lot about minimalism lately and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I am a minimalist.  Whether it was by choice, chance or necessity, It happened to me in 2005 and again this year.  It actually began in 2005 when I was living with my then girlfriend, now ex, in Bradenton Florida.  She moved back to California after months of not being able to find work and my money situation at the bike store where I worked, unable to keep us afloat.  I had been alone in the apartment with our 3 cats for almost 3 months and was missing being around her.  We had spent nearly 7k getting all of our stuff down to the two bedroom apartment and knew we wouldn't have enough cash to get it back to California. I am very logical when it comes to matters of this nature, and decided to discuss the merits of downsizing.  The hard part of the discussion with my ex, while on the phone, was looking around at all the things that we had.  Most of our stuff was antique and had been passed down …

Movie Review: Our Idiot Brother

Synopsis: This is the story of an idealistic man who, by process of sheer honesty and being himself, begins to ruin his sisters lives.  He is an every day guy that may not fit the norm of every day life, but in his heart he means well.  His honesty is extremely forthright and his naivety is often times unimaginable.  In the opener he gets arrested by selling weed to a cop, because the cop confesses he is having a bad week and Paul Rud, who plays Ned, feels bad for him and gives him weed.  To make matters worse, he ends up taking 20 dollars from the cop.  After serving 8 months for good behaviour, he comes out to a world that he still remembers but that doesn't really exist.
Review:  This was a very well done movie by director Jesse Peretz.  The casting was very well chosen and the characters seemed to flow.  The story line was consistent and this movie had some great one liners as well as some really funny parts (If you go see it make sure to stick around til the end as there are s…

Steve Jobs increased my quality of life

[caption id="attachment_1629" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="The man who helped make my life more enjoyable"][/caption]

So Steve Jobs stepped down at Apple this week.  Everyone has heard it, tweeted it, retweeted it, google +'d it, +1 it and face'd it.  I decided to write this weeks blog about it.  I don't know Steve personally, but I feel like I do.  I own a mac, I have read many of his quotes and seen many of his product launches.  Mr. Jobs has had fundamental impact in my life.  Did he get me into blogging, not really. Google helped me with that.  It was actually my 10th grade creative writing teacher that inspired my passion, but Apple made me enjoy it more. I feel like I have a relationship with my mac and can confess my life here in my blog because of my mac.  As I write I become one with the machine and the ideas begin to flow.

Steve didn't invent the internet, his company has made it better, for me at least.  I be…

If I were to leave today, what would I remember before I left.

I woke up at 3:12 this morning without the help of my alarm. It is this strange habit I have developed over the years to wake up way before my alarm goes off.  I don't know if it is a blessing or a curse, but somehow it enables me to never miss a flight.  I wake up pretty quickly.  I am not one to lolly gag in bed or procrastinate and hit the snooze button.  I normally jump out of bed and before the delirium hits me, I say, "today is going to be a great day, thank you for letting me breathe it in"

I showered, shaved and brushed the fangs, gelled the hair and made sure the manscape still looked good.  I proceeded to put on some underwear, pants, shirt, socks and shoes.  I said a little prayer for my mother that she may have a day with no, or minimal pain and that she may get the rest she needs.  I prayed that uncle Don would have a great day and maybe get in some putts in the afternoon.

I proceeded to finish up the packing and made sure to do a mental check, camera(s): chec…

Movie Review: The Change up

Synopsis:  Dave Lockwood, played by Bateman and Mitch Planko, portrayed by Reynolds are friends that have known each other since grade school.  They grew up together and went separate ways after high school, remaining to be friends throughout.  Dave took the "driven" path and ended up with a family, good job and nice things, where as Mitch never really committed to anything.  One night after a guys night out and literally pissing in a fountain, they wish for each others lives.
Review:  I loved this movie.  I loved the chemistry between the actors, the actors themselves and the premise of the movie.  Sure it has been done a dozen time in films, but this was a modern day, prince and the pauper meets "Its a wonderful life".  At some point and time we have all wished for someone elses life, whether its for a second, or a day.  This movie explores that possibility to the fullest and makes you really see what it is like to be on the other side.
I really have to commend Ja…

2011 Blogher: Event and Post-Con

So I am wrapping up in San Diego today.  Heading home from a short, but long weekend in my all time favorite city.  I was blessed to be able to work an amazing conference this weekend, BlogHer 2011.  I had the opportunity to meet some amazing people, Work with some amazing ladies, and feel what it was like to be part of a conference, not just working it.

Many times I work an event and for business sake, it is I am the worker bee and attendees are gods.  On this particular conference, however, it was hard to tell who was worker bee and who was a blogger.  For the most part everyone in attendance has a blog that they actively contribute to.  I worked along side of women who were moms and bloggers and workers at BlogHer.

The events were fun and themed, and sponsored.  This year there were over 100 sponsors of this event and the trade show, which in my experience dies down around day two, was hustling and bustling all the way until the expo floor shut down.  The attendees were so exceptiona…

BlogHer 2011: Registration pre day

So I wasn't sure what to expect when i came on site.  I knew this conference was about bloggers and had something to do with technology.  I didn't quite understand the culture nor what to expect.  Its funny how when you don't have expectations, you allow yourself to become WoW'd, as I like to say.

I jumped in wherever necessary, trying to field questions and working some pre day events.  I got my lay of the land and where everything was going to be set up between the Marriott and the San Diego Convention Center (SDCC).  I didn't understand my role 100% but came with the understanding that I would jump in when and where necessary.

I had the opportunity to work the reg desk with some AMAZING people.  All very talented and considering that it wasn't prepped that well, we were able to make it work.  We tried to curtail the lines, and keep smiles on everyones faces.  I have been doing events for almost 15 years and in my experience, the quality of the event is directl…

Movie Review: Crazy Stupid Love

Synopsis: Cal Weaver played by Steve Carell is a 40 something guy with what seems to be a great life, wonderful wife, kids and great home.  Cal finds out that his wife, played by Julianne Moore is unhappy and wants a divorce and later confesses to sleeping with a co-worker.  Cal eventually meets up with a 30 something playboy played by Ryan Gosling, who teaches cal how to be a man again by introducing him to style, drinks and women.  Even though he has a new found life, he is lead by his heart to return to his wife.

Review:  True to form, I will keep this as brief as possible.  This is an all-star cast with names like Marissa, Steve and even Kevin Bacon, but what this movie has in characters it lacks in luster.  I humbly felt the movie droned on in the last hour and the director could have cut 30-45 minutes out to make it a bit more bearable.  I will admit that some of the twists were unexpected, but what was expected was the traditional Hollywood ending.  As I left the theatre, I shar…

Cancer and what it has taught me

My apologies to many of my family and friends as I have not posted in a few weeks. I have been busy with work (which is a good thing) and finally settling into some semblance of a routine. Life has been mysterious to say the least.

So many of you may or may not know about my mothers battle with cancer. Back in 2002 mom was diagnosed with cancer of the mouth (tongue specifically). Through chemo, radiation, good nurtrients, oxygen powder, and the love and devotion of my aunt Christina and Uncle Don, she beat the cancer and was in remission.

All of that changed in February of this year when we noticed she had lost lots of weight and her speech became obstructed. Christina brought her to the doctors office and my mom was poked prodded and had her justice obstructed. After a week, the biopsy confirmed that she had cancer. It was a different cancer than the last time,but cancer none the less. We waited anxiously to find out about the cancer and if it was treatable.

The news we got was devastat…

Vegas...

I still smell of smoke from the casino and chlorine from the pool.  The room was a wreck when we left it and I am sure the maids will be swearing in some language other than English when they enter the room.  I am sure it is not the worst they have ever seen.  The days were much shorter than I actually remember them.  Worst of all, we missed the Soundgarden concert, however in the grand scheme of things, its all good.

Did we have a good time.  Hell yes...its what you do when your turning forty.  You have fun and party like its 2099.  Long days at the pool and food with great company and awesome friends, one old and several new.  My problem or my curse is that I meet people everywhere I go.  You either love me or hate me, but either way, you will always remember me.

At one point in the trip, i woke up naked, couldn't find my phone, my wallet and didn't know where the hell I was.  I swear I was ruffied.  After gathering my senses, and finding my belongings and realizing that we…

Music Review: Little Hell by City and Colours

Every so often an album comes along that resonates with your spirit and every fiber of your being.  This could not be more true than the recent release of City and Colours, "Little Hell".  I heard one of their songs in Starbucks this morning while enjoying my morning coffee.  At first, before I even started the download, and picked up the little 1 1/2 by 3 inch card that Starbucks keeps at the register to show case new musicians, I thought, "okay, here is another band in the mediocrity of sound".  I couldn't have been more incorrect.

The song I downloaded was "Fragile Bird".  Its got a great animated but open feel to it.  The song infused values within me in such a way, that I couldn't help but feel my spirit move.  The opening guitar chords begin like any other, but when Dallas Green begins to sing, its like you have just injected pure euphoria and overwhelming emotion into your being, much to the likes of heroin. Some lyrics: "When she sleep…

My trip to Toronto

One of the reasons that I truly love my profession, is the insane amounts of traveling I do as well as the destinations that are miraculously assigned to me.  I am in awe that many people save their whole lives to be able to travel to one or two really good trips a year, and in my case, it happens on a weekly or monthly basis.

I was unsure about my trip to Toronto, or that I would even like it there. At first I was glad to be completing my Canada collection (Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto).  Toronto has a big city feel but at a much more casual pace.  The people were extremely friendly and nice, the women are among the most beautiful that I have ever laid eyes on and the winters are enough to keep me very content where I am living.

[caption id="attachment_1555" align="aligncenter" width="225" caption="CN Tower at night"][/caption]

Toronto could be compared to the likes of Chicago, New York, San Francisco and Hong Kong, all bottled up into…

Tuesdays thoughts...

Have you ever noticed that when you speak or hear a positive or encouraging thought, it stays with you?  Like when someone gives you a compliment, or congratulates you on a job well done, or appreciates who you are in a moment?  What about when someone does something good for you, or you do something good for someone else?  I used to make it a regular point in my life (once a week) to buy the person behind me coffee in line or maybe buy their breakfast.  I have to admit that I was being selfish.  I enjoy doing stuff like that and it makes me feel good, not just for that moment but sometimes for a few hours, a few days or even a week.

Defining yourself isn't as easy as saying that "well I had a shitty childhood" or "I haven't been the best mother or father" or "I am an alcoholic or drug user".  It starts with this moment right now and moves forward with you.  Your past only defines you when you allow it to.  You should remember to stay in the moment…

At the airport...

I am in the airport and aside from watching the mishaps, the first time travelers, the girls in their sweats and uggs, nervous travelers that fidget through their things a hundred times to make sure they have everything they need for their flight to visit family or friends, the businessmen looking at their smart phones to see what deals have gone down in the past 5 seconds, or the obnoxious guy who talks on his phone at levels that would make a deaf person hear, the truth of it all is we are alone on our journey.

You can fill your life with all the people, things or stuff that you can possibly afford, but at the end of the day we are soloists on this flight. To that end, we may feel that we make a difference in this big expanse of a universe, but in reality, what we do won't amount to a hill of beans. You could be the most successful businessman or woman in history, you could be the wealthiest person in all the world, you could start up the most amazing charity in the world and t…

Mom Update 6-12

Mom has had good moments and bad.  She is on a combination of drugs.  Dilauded, morphine, and atavan.  She has good days and bad.  She has a lot of pain in her mouth and seems to bee needing more drugs more often then naught.  Not sure what the cancer is doing.  If it has taken up residence and decided to camp in moms mouth or if it is going to shrink up and take a flight to miami.

Its a draining experience.  Yes its a labor of love but sometimes it gets the best of you.  You begin to believe that you have cancer and that YOU are going to die.  I try to stay upbeat and positive but it is hard.  I lose focus and go batshit mad in my head.

I am the only one that can fix it.  I have my own issues with the whole situation and they are mine to wrestle with.  I am bummed that mom isn't home yet.  She has been in the hospital now for 2 months.  I keep envisioning her being home and walking around and doing the things she used to do, but Im not sure if that is in the cards.  I don't kno…

To my amazing mother

Dear Mom:

I haven't told you in the last day how much I love you but I do.  I came and saw you on Monday, but you were asleep, probably because of all the meds you are on for pain.  You looked so peaceful and I didn't want to wake you, plus you probably needed the sleep.

I wanted to tell you how strong willed and persistent you are.  I know what you are going through is not easy.  Your comment the other day about "preferring to have triplets than the pain in your mouth" made me realize how painful your situation is.  I wish I could waive a magic wand and make it go away.  I hate seeing you in pain.

I love the conversations that we have when you are awake.  Your spirit is so strong and you are so sarcastically funny that I have no choice but to laugh and smile when I am with you.  I love holding your hand and being by your side.  I know I can't do much, but I hope my being there soothes your pain, if even for a little while.

You have done so much for me and I wis…

to kill an american

This is from my Aunt Sally.  I have translated it to Arabic



لقتل أمريكي
ربما فاتك هذا في الاندفاع من الأخبار ، ولكن كان هناك في الواقع التقرير الذي نشرت شخص في باكستان في إحدى الصحف ، عرضا مكافأة لمن يقتل أميركيا ، أي الأمريكية.

هكذا كتب طبيب الأسنان الأسترالية افتتاحية في اليوم التالي للسماح الجميع يعرف ما هو أميركي. حتى انهم يعرفون متى وجدوا واحد. (جيد واحد ، لم!!!!)

'اميركي هي الإنكليزية ، أو الفرنسية ، أو الأيرلندية الإيطالية والألمانية والاسبانية والبولندية أو الروسية أو اليونانية.أمريكية وربما أيضا الكندية والمكسيكية والافريقية والهندية والصينية واليابانية والكورية والأسترالية والإيراني ، وآسيا ، أو العربية ، أو الباكستانية أو الأفغانية.

ويجوز لأمريكا أن تكون أيضا كومانتش ، شيروكي ، الأوساج ، بلاكفوت ، نافاهو ، اباتشي ، سيمينول أو واحدة من القبائل الأخرى الكثيرة المعروفة باسم الهنود الحمر.

أمريكية مسيحية ، أو انه يمكن ان تكون يهودية أو بوذية ، أو مسلم. في الواقع ، هناك أكثر من المسلمين في أميركا في أفغانستان. الفرق الوحيد هو أن في أمريكا فهم أحرار في العبادة كما يختار كل واحد منهم…

the at&t/t-mobile deal

Okay so I don't jump into issues that much, but this whole at&t & t-mobile deal, is getting me riled up.  Looks like freepress is starting a website to say why this merger is a bad thing for the american people. They list 5 reasons why the deal will be bad for Americans and go on to spout information about how it will "hurt" the consumer.  I will attempt to rebuttal and say why I feel this deal is not only good, but necessary for telecommunications to grow and foster in our country.

Here are the 5 points they argue

1. The merger would further erode what little competition exists in the wireless market.

The merger hands two companies, AT&T and Verizon, control over nearly 80 percent of the wireless market. That translates to widespread abuses of market power, something AT&T is already known for.

While this is true, this is not a bad thing.  Lets take a look at my good friend the airline industry.

Airline deregulation has provided and continues to provide enormo…