So its been a while since I have posted anything on here. I have been so busy with work and working on trying to get through most of my moms stuff that I have been forgetting to write. Sometimes, I stare at a blank page, cursor blinking and I draw nothing. My mind so desperately wants to come up with a topic to write but its like there is an incredible chasm between the brain and the fingers.
Lately, to be truthful, I haven't felt the inspiration to write anything. I feel like I have been putting everyone elses fires out and keeping the balance, that I don't know where to take time for me. I have wanted to delve into my book but don't have the motivation. I want to read, but I am lacking the focus. I have been enjoying my fair share of netflix and hulu lateley thats for sure. Not to mention that I have been sleeping in almost every day that I am home. Its funny but I have my alarm set for 5:30 and when i finally get out of bed is 7:30 or 8. I guess it is true that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
It could be the loss of my mom and just soaking it all in. I miss her, and my dad. I was scanning photos yesterday and found a bunch that I forgot we had of my dad holding me and being a happy dad. I saw pictures of my young mom holding me on her lap and smiling at the camera. It makes me think that despite all my head has told me, my parents truly loved me, even if they didn't know what to do with me. I was not in the grand plan, but miraculously showed up. Maybe I was the catalyst that was needed for both of my parents to sit back and say, "so this is what its like to be grounded and responsible"
I look at babies around me and I smile because sometimes they are so damn cute. I don't think I have what it takes to be a dad, but I also know I am not the best judge of these things and if the universe says so then, I listen. I look at couples and see that some of them, in that moment, are genuinely happy and content with their significant other. I am too scared to go down that road and allow myself to be that vulnerable. I don't like the hurt that accompanies the whole falling in love, get comfortable with, suddenly finding out that we are not compatible scenario of love.
Winter is upon us here in California and I will spend another holiday season alone, by choice. I of course will be with the family that I have here, Aunt, Uncle and grandmother, but no significant other. As I talk to people, and they ask the inevitable question, "How come you are not with anyone" or "why are you not married", and the simple truth of it is choice. I just don't want the hurt and pain that I have experienced in the past. I would rather be responsible for my own happiness and sadness and not have to share that with anyone.
I feel like I suffer from detachment syndrome. There is nothing that I really get attached to. I am a constant observer in the universe, but try not to get involved in anything unless I am asked to. Often times I am asked to help out, and I am just there for a brief moment to help people get over what ever obstacles they may have in their way. Sometimes the obstacles re-present themselves, in which case I jump in to help out, but for the most part, I am like a fly on the wall that gives advice but then flies away. (Being a fly is not really the image I was trying to put into your head, but I think you know what I am trying to say).
This post didn't really have a point. I would say it was incessant noise and I apologize. Sometimes I just like to write and sometimes I am blank...Unfortunately this is one of those times. I will try to get my head back in the game and get some inspiration. Have a good night.
Until next time...