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Some days your the bat, others the ball...

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I try to be a good person.  I don't intentionally lie on my taxes, I don't ignore those in need, and I try not to hurt people or animals.  It seems that the universe has a specific message that it needs me to know.  What ever life you come into or meet in this life, will have long standing implications in the future.  Your actions affect everything in your sphere of being.

As many of you know, My mom recently passed from cancer, however, what you may not know was what I gave up to be with her and by her side.  As I have mentioned before, I have no regrets for my decisions, but there are ramifications with everything.  I was living in Encinitas at a great friends house right by the beach.   It was compound style living but it was good.  Everyone there was friendly and family like.  I had a very simple existence with a bed, a dresser and my clothes and my three cats.  I wasn't a cat person, but somehow the three girls won their way into my heart.  I didn't know what to do with them and after time, they grew on me and it turned out that we had a mutually loving relationship, I would feed, care and clean up their minimal mess, and they in return gave unconditional love and support to me.  They always greeted me at the door and would tell me about their day.  Often times I would find myself caught up in moments where, I would just stare at them, play with them or pet them for long periods of time.  It was very therapeutic.

In march my life was turned around with the diagnosis of my mom and her cancer.  I knew I had to be by her side and by the grace of Universal love, a friend offered to take care of the cats and hold on to them as long as she could.  About a month before my mom died , I got the call from my friend that the 3 cats, plus her two were too many and that we would need to find homes for them.  As Universal love would have it, another dear friend found them homes at a rescue that same day.  (There are no coincidences in life).  I felt like  a small weight was removed from my chest.  I was able to breathe a sigh of relief.

Today, almost 2 months after my moms passing, I get a call from Animal Rescue in San Diego saying they raided a facility on the 17th and one of my cats turned up among 90 that were reclaimed.  My heart sank into my stomach.  There are moments in life that hit you with certain severity, and this was one of those moments.  I walked outside my office and began to cry.  There was a resounding echo that  had reverberated  back to me and that was, "nothing goes unaffected"

I did the best i could with the girls when I had them.  I loved them as much as I possibly could and gave them shelter for as long as I could.  In a small way, I feel like a shitty parent that couldn't handle the responsibility of having kids, so I walked away.  Now I know that isn't true, but in my heart, it is hard to separate that feeling.  
Bottom line here:  Everything you do, everything you say,and how you live your life, has an affect on those around you.  I want to get in my car and go rescue tigher right now, but I don't have a home to keep her in, unless I go find an apartment.  I am not sure that is in the cards right now and truthfully it sucks, because my girls were my kids.

Sometimes life goes exactly as we imagine it, other times, it goes exactly as it needs to.  In my case, there is something that I need to learn from all this.  Stop your life every so often and figure out what the universe is saying to you.  Don't become a robot in the process.  Be good to your fellow man, love the animals and every so often, pick an apple off a tree and eat it.  Allow yourself to feel and most of all be loving.  Pepper , Tigher and Precious, I miss you daily and love you more than you will know and sorry I couldn't do and be more for you.  Hope one day you will find it in your kitty hearts to know that I truly did and do love you.

Until next time...


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Feels like a throat punch to my heart

So, I thought today was going to be just another Sunday of lounging around and netflixing.  I don't think I have ever been so wrong in my life.  To start with, Facebook reminded me of my memories.  I happened to click on a friends link and decided to follow another link to my very first girlfriends sisters page.  Its random how I got there, but I blame facebook.

To my shock, I saw that her sister had passed on the 22nd of November.  I was shocked because I knew that she wasn't that old.  I reached out to an old mutual acquaintance and found out it was pretty sudden and unexpected.  That had me in some kinda mood.  Because of that, I began to text and email friends and check in and make sure then were okay.

I got a text message from a close colleague I used to work with at a previous job.

Beck: "whats shakin CB"
Me: "Not much just wanted to say hello.  Had a wake up call today.  Found out first girlfriends sister just passed away.  So sad...she was young"

Just a friendly update on me :-)

Hey everyone

Just wanted to give an update. You may remember that I said I was going to be coming back to California, well it is official.  I am heading down May 1. I will most likely take the train and stop in Napa to visit my cousin Stephen Bordes at his winery for a day or two.  From there, I will catch a train to San diego.

I am currently looking for work and open to any positions that may be available, I just ask that you don't hold it against me because I have a masters degree.  I have seen many companies shy away from hiring me because I have a Masters Degree.  I am honestly looking to get off my feet and find a base of operation. My home is California and I know that now.  I am native and the air, soil and water are in my bones.

I am looking to establish which means I will need to find a place to live (that I pay for monthly), maybe even get a car (down the road) for now I know that I will have to use the bus and I am okay with that. I am nervous as hell about this move …

Movie Review: The Family Fang- 4.5 out of 5 stars

Narrator:  Imagine your dead. Feel yourself go numb. Start with your fingers, move to your hands, your wrists, right on up to your elbows. Everything is dead. If we can imagine our own death, but still manage to come back to life, then it proves we can survive, anything.

Baxter Fang: Don't be afraid. Own the moment. If you're in control then the chaos will happen around you and not to you.

This was one of the best and possibly overlooked movies of 2015 (which is why I am just now reviewing it in 2016) in my humbled opinion.  Jason Bateman is not only an incredible actor, but an extremely talented director.  I was never a fan of arrested development (probably because I never watched it).  However, after seeing Bad Words and now The Family Fang, I have a whole new respect for Jason Bateman

The story line:Annie and Baxter, the adult children of the controversial husband and wife conceptual performance art couple famous for their quirky macabre public performances, have never got ove…