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Reflection

So I'm about to turn 41 and its time for reflection again. What have I learned?  The same lessons I always learn. Most people learn their lesson and move on. My life seems to be a groundhog day of life lessons.

I decided to let loose in Vegas and that turned out to be a dumb idea. Me and alcohol are at constant odds about what's better, an alcohol free life or the possibility that in drinking I will relive some great moment of my 20's, well I have proved to myself and everyone close that I need to walk the clean line.

I'm cloudy now and probably will be for several days here after. Its never the hangover I dreaded, it was always the immense fog that rolled in like a blanket days after. It seems surreal. I have a hard time figuring out whose life I'm walking around in. I have a hard time figuring out what's real and what's in my head. Just another reminder that I need to maybe grow up. Not a conversation that most 40 year olds have with themselves.

My list of accomplishments is few.  I walk around wondering why I am here. I have the feeling that I don't belong and wonder what is this and why am I on this journey. Meaning becomes harder to find as you get older. My thoughts about traipsing the globe seem to become clearer with each passing day.

My questions outnumber the answers by 4 to 1. I look at everything differently now. The beauty of a passing woman now becomes just another face in the crowd. It seems harder to find joy in the little things.

I need to rec enter and reconnect with me. I need to stop looking for meaning in every little thing. Most people wake up in the morning worrying about the days agenda, what bills have to be paid, how they will manage work family life balance, I want to solve the worlds problems. I want to squeeze meaning out of everything even when there is none.

My original post was much more brilliant in my head, they always are. I got sidetracked again and just say oh well.  Hope you have a good Saturday.

Until next time...

Comments

  1. I turned 41 last month and have had EVERY ONE of these feelings within the last year, month, week, day...take your pick. It is perfectly normal to question EVERYTHING, everyone, everywhere you've been and where you're going.

    It means you are human.

    Wishing you happiness and clarity.

    ReplyDelete

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