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5 days in the same shirt. A bout with Mental Illness

Im going to try as best as I can to describe the details of the last 5 days.  I am not proud of it, but I think everyone needs to hear this.  Its not pretty and its not beautiful.  Its very dark and those of you that know me may wonder how this could have ever happened.  It started thursday night and finished today at 11:30.

I had one of the worst days of my life on Thursday that I have ever experienced in a long time.  For some reason my mind got away from me and I started spiraling out of control.  My thoughts were dark and I was lonely and I was missing my mom and dad and basically going to the worst case scenario of my life.

Longer story shorter, I checked into a hotel on Thursday night with my dark thoughts.  I decided to check in there because I wasn't sure if I would be able to spend the night with the love of my life because she was going to be at her parents that night.  I was feeling distant from her and felt very alone for some reason.  I began writing and as many of you know, I am a writer.  Its what I do when i need to communicate or make sense of a mad world.  I wrote a suicide note as I was feeling alone and lonely and felt that the world would be better off without me here.

After I completed the letter, I placed it on the floor (never intending to hurt myself). I dozed off for a few minutes and then heard my text alert go off.  I woke up and it was my love asking me to come to dinner with her and her son.  I obliged and took my notebook and laptop bag and headed out.  Partly forgetting about the suicide note but also thinking after I left that the maid would pick it up and just throw it away.  I couldn't have been more wrong.

I had a great dinner with my love and her son and ended up spending the night at my love's parents house.  We woke up at 9am and headed to her house.  My phone did not have a signal and as soon as we got to her house, the phone started going crazy.  My aunt texted me and said, "call me as soon as possible the police are at the Marriott and need to speak to you."  Her voicemail was similar stating that she loved me and everything everything can be fixed and to come home.  The police co-located me when I responded and told her where I was.

When they showed up, I knew they meant business.  When the LAPD showed up, they made me empty my pockets and put my hands behind my back.  They were concerned about my safety.  They brought me to the station and made  me sit in a holding cell for some 6 hours.  The social workers came and interviewed me and felt that I needed to see a doctor.  I asked them if I could go home, they said no and that I would need to see a doctor.

At 7:22 we arrived at College Hospital and I had to turn over every thing from money to necklace to shoelaces.  Apparently the state California has a 72 hour hold they put you on whenever you write a suicide note.  At 9:05 i was finally admitted to the hospital where I was shown my room and asked if I was hungry.  I was as I hadn't eaten since 10 am at my loves house.  The food never came.  I tried to sleep, however I was put into the 2nd highest functioning group.  This means there were lots of loose cannons and i was interrupted by loud noises all night, a stark raving man running down the hallway naked and to top it off the bed was cold and lonely.

The next morning the seconds went by like hours.  It is the next worst thing to being in prison.  I met with the doctor an we discussed why I wrote the note and told him I had no intention of ever hurting myself.  I was expressing myself in the best way I knew how.  My mistake is that I should have never left that note.  The doctor prescribed my medication and he then said he was going to get me into a different ward.  At 2:30 after what seemed like an eternity, i got transferred.  Time still was dragging even though I was transferred.  I honestly feel like I lost 20 years of my life that first day.

The higher functioning ward was slightly better than the last one.  I had 1 or two people contact me, however the first guy who reached out to me was manic. One minute high the next minute low.  He asked if we could be friends and I said yes because I am a nice guy.  The next time I saw him he was crying and saying everyone hated him.  It was wearing on my nerves to be in there.

I made it through that first day and thought, I don't know if I can do two more days.  Luckily I met Jessica (i think that was her name) a 23 year old attempted suicide (slashed wrists bandages and all) and Anthony, a 24 year old singer in a band who was in the facility for the same thing as me, No cuts just talked about it.  Life had gotten to both of them and they didn't know how to deal.  That day I had some great friends come to the facility and spend visiting hours with me.  It was a blessing and I became very very thankful for my friends.  That evening Jessica, Anthony and I played uno and watched Transporter 3.  I lightened the mood the best way I could, through laughter.  I could tell that Jessica and Anthony liked me and I could feel both of them absorbing my thoughts I shared and vice versa.  It made the night go by fast and I counted the minutes until my 4 o'clock release.

There was a gentleman that looked like David Bowie who was a recovering alcoholic, a schizophrenic who looked like Javier Bardim and a girl that looked like Natalie Portman and finally a girl that looked like Brandy.  Most of the people here were not capable of functioning by themselves outside of this facility.  I thought to myself, "I am so blessed that I have life and can breathe and have people that really love me.  What in the fuck did i write that letter for????"

I was so selfish to write that note, but truth is I was hurting.  I wasn't thinking in the most rational of minds.  I hurt lots of people by writing it and I will lose a very good relationship because of it.  Forgiveness doesn't exist in everyones logic.  I am making amends with the people I can.  I am just thankful that I am not in that place and will NEVER go there again.  I kind of wish this would have happened when I was 21, but as my aunt said better late than never.

My mission is to live my life to the fullest.  You don't realize what you have in life until its all taken away from you.  Im still here and I will never ever write a letter like that again.  I am in control of my life and on the days I am not, I am going to allow myself to feel and cry when i need too.  But for now, it is all good and I am so thankful to be here and be free.

enjoy your time here and if you ever want to talk about your day or have a shoulder to cry on, I am here.  Sometimes its all we need is a good shoulder to cry on, not necessarily the answers.

Suicide is serious and if you think you need help, call me because I will get you the help you need.  Your life is amazing and you need to see that on a daily basis.

Until next time...

Comments

  1. i'm sorry, chad. give it some time, she'll forgive you. glad you're ok <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am pretty sure she is done, regardless of if she forgives me. She said so last night via text :-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Chad,

    So sorry to hear of your loss. Do know there are friends out there who are supportive and caring. Let me know if there's anything I can do.

    You're in my thoughts as we enter this holiday Season.

    Your friend,
    Chris

    ReplyDelete

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