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The nights are the hardest

I miss lying next to her.  I miss her in her spot on my shoulder.  I miss honeybunny, big kitty and baby kitty coming up as soon as we snuggled in and making their spots on the bed.  My sleeping patterns have changed alot in the past week.  Im lucky if I get 4-5 hours of solid sleep in a night.

Everyone says it gets easier, and if i had a dollar for every time I have heard it, I would be a wealthy man.  It doesn't make it easier.  I guess going through it makes it easier, or not.   Its hard because I opened myself up totally to her.  I allowed myself to trust and trust the process and that is why I hurt so deeply at night.  I allowed myself to be open to all that it would entail.  Good or bad, i tried to put it all out there.  I guess that is another reason it hurts so much.  I trusted her in my entirety.  I trusted that in good or bad she would be there.  Maybe I was naive, but that is what love is, being naive and open.

For all its flaws and all its greatness, I miss her.  I miss her spirit, her laugh, her amazing smile that beamed at me that night in Dukes when she walked in the door and made me take a step back.  I miss her amazing kisses that would make me forget about time and melt into her perfect lips.  I miss our intimate and snuggle times.  I miss our funny times together and miss being able to be silly around her.  I miss making coffee for her in the morning and feeding the kitties.  I miss cleaning the kitty litter and watching the news.  I miss going to the gym together and our after gym starbucks.  I miss being able to update her phone (which used to drive her crazy)

Relationships aren't perfect, but that can be because of communication and how we interpret information.  Miscommunication is often more deadly than infidelity.  I still love her with all my heart and miss her regardless of that miscommunication.   She gave me a unique gift, a piece of myself, but only a piece that she could give me.  If you are reading this, I love you and am fighting.  I refuse to let go until I absolutely have to.

Until next time...


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