|A driftwood in Los Gatos|
start on the note you wished they would. You look and hope for the good, but
for some reason it chooses to hide itself under the same haystack in which
you have been looking for a needle. Its not to say that good isn't there if you don't look, but its more like a game of hide and seek. You run around all day looking for it, and when you think you have found the elusive bugger, you realize it was your shadow.
I have been reading lots of books about self-help, improvement, power of now and spiritual revelations. The one thing I can say is try to keep your head on you and try not to beat yourself up too much for trying to hard. Its the one thing that keeps you from moving forward. The negative speak, the I can'ts, the I didn't, then I should have, it all doesn't matter. Brush yourself off, take a deep breath, go for a run/walk/ride and get the fuck out of your head. It is the worst place to be unless you are complimenting yourself, which most people don't do. They go to the worst place, me included because we were taught self defeatism along the way.
The reality of it is, I have run from love my whole life. I have always said it is bullshit, but the truth of the matter is, its what we as humans strive for. Yes we love ourselves and attempt to make some sense of this thing we are walking through but in all truth, we need love. Not only do we need love and support of friends, we need that one special person that takes away the bullshit of the day, wipes the tears from your face and tells you its gonna be okay. It someone who sees the best in you even when you can't. Face it we are perfect. If we were we would all be walking around without anyone under our arms and children would all be accidents either from a one night stand or getting so close to someone that you allowed intimacy to get too close and then regretted it after the fact.
Who knows when it is right. There is no such word...right/wrong. You take a chance and sometimes you have luck and fate on your side and other times, luck is on the other end of the universe. As I get older it is really less about how you perceive a situation than actuality. I mean come on, who in their right mind would get into a relationship which they thought, "oh in 8 months after I have opened up to this person, they are gonna bail" We don't like to get hurt. We want to live in a protective bubble and I am not so sure that after your parents fade away that scenario is even possible. I used to think I was happier not giving a shit than wearing my heart on my sleeve and allowing my feelings to be ever present. I guess the hurt is meant to be a reminder that we are, human. At the end of the day it doesn't matter who you love, why you love them, or what drew you to them, you will get hurt, either by your own ego or because you are not smart enough to know better (aka me).
Being in love gives you hope. It sets a standard that together you will conquer things together that you would not be able to conquer alone. You get a badge of courage that says, "I dont give a crap what tomorrow brings, I am ready to do battle and have someone to stand by my side when it goes clusterfuck" When you find that person, hold on tight and ride the seas together. No matter how rough it gets, you will always have each other :-) Oh yeah and don't go to bed mad. Its not worth it.
This too shall pass, sorry for venting. Until next time...