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staring at a blank canvas

Morning and sunlight
My mind is just as blank. Numb. Empty. Disenfranchised and discouraged

I used to be so motivated. What happened? Where did I miss the turn?
Was i supposed to go left instead of right? Maybe I should have stayed

I feel like a gigantic disconnected energy source. No affirmation. No love. alone and grasping. Its like if you were working on the space shuttle and your safety cord got disconnected. Floating aimlessly in space. I watch others emblazoned by their purpose and I feel like I am standing still. I try not to judge, but then i wonder, when is it my time? Do I get a turn? (reverting back to childhood)

I have recently lost friends and work because of my posts. Some people say I am too extreme, others think I have "lost my marbles". Maybe there is some necessity or truth in losing ones mind in order to gain your life? I have way more questions than i have answers at this point in my life. I hope that love and trust have the answers. I hope that one day i can confide in someone with all my good and all my bad and they will accept me for who I am, not what they want me to be.

I don't know what I am doing here and I really don't know where I am going. I show up on the daily, but instead of excitement, I am slightly numb. I know what I want but it feel so out of reach. Sometimes I feel i should shut up and listen, but often times i don't hear anyone speaking. Is there answers in the silence or madness? I guess only time will tell.

I have hope in that moment. The moment that sets my soul on fire and makes me connected again. You can never ever lose hope. Loss of hope allows the darkness in. Darkness is the absence of light. I just want a little break. I struggle to make ends meet and yet i am always in the struggle.

Take notice of the blessings in your life. They may be big, or small, but they are blessings. Keep hope in all things. Hope for a better day, hope the darkness will recede, hope that answers will come...just keep hope. Its the only thing that keeps us going.

Until next time...


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Feels like a throat punch to my heart

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I got a text message from a close colleague I used to work with at a previous job.

Beck: "whats shakin CB"
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Just a friendly update on me :-)

Hey everyone

Just wanted to give an update. You may remember that I said I was going to be coming back to California, well it is official.  I am heading down May 1. I will most likely take the train and stop in Napa to visit my cousin Stephen Bordes at his winery for a day or two.  From there, I will catch a train to San diego.

I am currently looking for work and open to any positions that may be available, I just ask that you don't hold it against me because I have a masters degree.  I have seen many companies shy away from hiring me because I have a Masters Degree.  I am honestly looking to get off my feet and find a base of operation. My home is California and I know that now.  I am native and the air, soil and water are in my bones.

I am looking to establish which means I will need to find a place to live (that I pay for monthly), maybe even get a car (down the road) for now I know that I will have to use the bus and I am okay with that. I am nervous as hell about this move …