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Happy 2015---this post may be a downer be warned :-)

I can't believe I am here.  I mean its been 44 years.  I never thought I would make it this far.  I thought for sure that 30 was the end.  When I was younger, I thought for sure my life would be over at the ripe old age of 30.  Here I am and I watch the days roll by like someone in a raft on a fast river watching the land blur by.

I realized that heartache is a bitch.  At least it is for me.  Im not sure it affects the people the same.  Some people become grindstones and dig in, I break down.  I feel the emptiness set in and the loneliness.  I race through all the thoughts (mostly negative) about my life.  I tell myself that I am a shitty person, the reason that nothing good and that love doesn't last is because I don't deserve it.  Everyone else does, but not me.  I fall and fall hard, I don't know any other way to go.  Some say its great, my head and heart say "not so much" for when it ends, it is a painful process.

Often times I miss the concept that if it didn't hurt, how would I know that I am alive?  If I didn't feel the pain, how could I relate to my consciousness?  Truth is I couldn't.  I had a great conversation with my cousin Jake before he left for Germany.  He and I were talking about this idea of perma-grin.  "Everyone's life is so fucking amazing.  Im so happy to be breathing and happy to have this shit filled life with debt and problems and no end in sight"  We discussed the idea that if we didn't have this pain, we wouldn't need to be here as humans.  We could go back to spirit form and know bliss.  Somewhere along the line that spirit was put in your body and you were given emotions.  Emotions are feelings.  Jake and I discussed that we have to get more in touch with our emotions.  We can't ignore them or say "Everything will be better".  Truth is maybe this is as good as it gets.  We have to experience the pain to better understand where it is it comes from. To know we are alive, feeling may be the best human experience everyone has.

I don't walk around with said "perma-grin".  I experience this world, all the love, as well as hate pain and hurt.  Whoever said was we were designed to be happy, in my humbled opinion was not real.  Probably grew up in a do good family with parents that supported and didn't fight much.  Everything was always rosy, because it really was.  My lenses aren't gray or rosy...they are real.

I decided to listen to Greg Laswell's "What a day" on repeat while I write this article.

What a day to be alive
What a day to realize I'm not dead
What a day to save a dime
What a day to die trying


What a way to say good bye
What a wonderful life now, all a lie
What a way that you survive
What a day to say good night

"Bring on the evening hours," I cry
"Bring on the evidence of my life"
"Bring on the evening hours," I cry
"Bring on the evidence of my life, of my life?


Hurt is the evidence of my existence.  It resonates with my body.  Its the way I know that I am alive and have an amazing ability to feel.  Notice in the lyrics above he doesn't say, its a great day to be alive, he just says its a day to be alive, as if this is his first day on the planet.  Its a day that he realizes he isn't dead, maybe he found a dime and said I will start to save...but he saves the best line for last, what a day to die trying.  We have to try.  We can sit bedside and feel sad for our lives, but the truth is we should just try...Make that one step, get out of bed, but don't deny the hurt.  If you feel like crying...fucking do it.  I smile when I see people crying, not because they are hurting but because they are feeling and healing.  I often wonder if its best to NOT offer a shoulder to cry on so the person can heal and release...that is why i smile. I have acquaintances that say shit like "it can only get better" or "it happened for a reason", really??? No shit, it was a culmination of everything leading to that heart break...the feel.  We don't need to be shallow and try and uplift and maybe walk up to someone in tears and say, right on man, right on woman.  You are alive.

Bring on the evidence of my life---what is my evidence to life, the pain, the crying, the heartbreak...thats my evidence.  Bring on the evening hours.  Maybe he references this because sleep is when our brain shuts down and we can actually heal and take a break from our brains.  Everything is quiet...during the day we constantly think and over analyze.  

My life is far from amazing.  Its a life.  I will come and go just like the  millions of people before me.  We tell ourselves stories about becoming something to give ourselves meaning and when we pull out our hair at the end of the day because we realize there is no meaning, we get sad and angry because of the life we may have lived.  Being present and feeling is the greatest gift we could ever hope for.  Fuck yes the hurt, hurts.  I want to wallow in that shit and stop looking for the freeway to get on the happiness highway. The pain gives my life meaning.  It let me know I am human.

Its funny how life works because I decided to let my music go to the next trac and on came "Comes and goes in waves"  Its on repeat and it just resonates what I have been saying.  We live in a culture where we develop relationships via text, we seek for people to love us on line via ok cupid, match, or tinder.  We don't hug, we are people averse because somewhere we learned that people are bad, or they smell or you cant play with kids that grew up on the other side of the street because they are poor.  We group with people that are like us because it makes us feel safe and accepted.  

"This one's for the lonely, the one's that seek and find
Only to be let down time after time
This one's for the torn down, the experts at the fall
Come on friends get up now you're not alone at all"


Then he says a little further in the song:

This one's for the faithless, the ones that are surprised
They're only where they are now regardless of their fight
This one's for believing if only for it's sake
Come on friends get up now love is to be made

I realized I am lonely and this is a beautiful thing.  I seek and find---only to be let down time after time.  Its the torn down and experts at the fall that can truly feel what is going on in a break up...its what love is if we didn't experience the heartbreak so deeply, we would never have poets or love songs. 

The heartbroken keep fighting regardless of the fight and being surprised that they are there again and again (at heartbreak).  We question why and we are constantly surprised that we have yet another heart break.  Again it makes us better story tellers and song writers.  We are the feelers of the world.

The last line is one of the best:

It comes and goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
It comes in goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
Why I, why I try

When you have just experienced the heartbreak, the deception the loss, the emotions come and go in waves.  The crying lasts for hours sometimes a few days.  We constantly wonder why we keep letting ourselves fall in love if we know its going to end this way.  Then we gain our sanity for a while and over analyze the situation again and again.  And then it comes again in waves....washing over us like the ocean and in some way it is cleansing but even though we have been cleansed we constantly wonder why we keep trying and why we keep allowing ourselves to get hurt, like children who put their hands on a hot stove.  We know it hurts, but we keep doing it because it is our only string to let us know we are alive.  Its our journey to share that with others.  If love always worked out, we wouldn't have any stories to tell, books to write, poems to share.

Im probably way off base, but I write what i feel.  Its my gift and my curse.  

Wow that was deep...sorry Greg laswell for over analyzing your songs, but I truly appreciate how your music and how in touch it makes me feel and how I am able to relate on such a deep level.  

Until next time...

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