Skip to main content

the wandering mind...


5:45 am The day starts like any other.  I wake up and contemplate going to the gym but the the bed feels too comfortable. I begin looking at my phone to see what messages I may have missed...really? I am not that important, besides, who texts you after 9 p.m. anyway? Its like I obsess about someone texting or hearing back from the one person I want to hear from...but it doesn't happen...never does.  At 43, I should give up the idea of being a playboy, bootycall, Christian grey or whatever society has labeled me as.  I should be over that stage in my life, but I am not. I would love to start a family.  

My life is a drastic departure over what it was.  I am now a desk jockey. My spirit rots.  I feel un-fresh and un-clean. I can't come up with a decent idea to save my life. I used to find inspiration in the clouds and would be inspired often.  Its as if traveling allowed me to clear the fog in my head and compose the ideas. Now I watch traffic roll in on the drive and miss my time in the clouds. I miss the new experience of it all.  I miss the random airports, the late nights, the ability to take a vacation whenever, the trips to vegas, the food, the fun...I miss it all.  Its like I feel myself withering away.  I see everything around me but don't feel a part of any of it.


Maybe this is growing up. Discouraged that I didn't save more.  I hate living paycheck to paycheck. I want to be debt free.  The taxes, the cc bills, the school loans...the car payment...what the fuck was I thinking??? Jesus, i could have two cars for what I am paying for this one.  I pay more for my car then i do where I live.  I want to walk away.  I want to set the phones down, leave the keys in the car, give away the suits, load up the back pack and just start walking and see where the road takes me.


The simple things that used to give me joy are no more. I am robotic in my approach.  Wake up, work out, go to work, work out, eat a salad or two, go to bed and start over again. We are looking for that next thing but it never comes. We wait.  We wait more.  We then think we want to go out and get it but we don't know what the hell "it" is.  I meditate and my mind finally shuts up. What am i doing? Who knows and who cares.  Do i want to be successful? Why when there is no one to share that success with. 


http://www.vevo.com/watch/kenna/hell-bent/USSM20404046

its 10:14am and I am counting the minutes...til what I have no idea. Wait for the next catastrophe, phone call or surprise.  Maybe this is life.


Until next time...

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Feels like a throat punch to my heart

So, I thought today was going to be just another Sunday of lounging around and netflixing.  I don't think I have ever been so wrong in my life.  To start with, Facebook reminded me of my memories.  I happened to click on a friends link and decided to follow another link to my very first girlfriends sisters page.  Its random how I got there, but I blame facebook.

To my shock, I saw that her sister had passed on the 22nd of November.  I was shocked because I knew that she wasn't that old.  I reached out to an old mutual acquaintance and found out it was pretty sudden and unexpected.  That had me in some kinda mood.  Because of that, I began to text and email friends and check in and make sure then were okay.

I got a text message from a close colleague I used to work with at a previous job.

Beck: "whats shakin CB"
Me: "Not much just wanted to say hello.  Had a wake up call today.  Found out first girlfriends sister just passed away.  So sad...she was young"
B…

Just a friendly update on me :-)

Hey everyone

Just wanted to give an update. You may remember that I said I was going to be coming back to California, well it is official.  I am heading down May 1. I will most likely take the train and stop in Napa to visit my cousin Stephen Bordes at his winery for a day or two.  From there, I will catch a train to San diego.

I am currently looking for work and open to any positions that may be available, I just ask that you don't hold it against me because I have a masters degree.  I have seen many companies shy away from hiring me because I have a Masters Degree.  I am honestly looking to get off my feet and find a base of operation. My home is California and I know that now.  I am native and the air, soil and water are in my bones.

I am looking to establish which means I will need to find a place to live (that I pay for monthly), maybe even get a car (down the road) for now I know that I will have to use the bus and I am okay with that. I am nervous as hell about this move …

Movie Review: The Family Fang- 4.5 out of 5 stars

Narrator:  Imagine your dead. Feel yourself go numb. Start with your fingers, move to your hands, your wrists, right on up to your elbows. Everything is dead. If we can imagine our own death, but still manage to come back to life, then it proves we can survive, anything.

Baxter Fang: Don't be afraid. Own the moment. If you're in control then the chaos will happen around you and not to you.

This was one of the best and possibly overlooked movies of 2015 (which is why I am just now reviewing it in 2016) in my humbled opinion.  Jason Bateman is not only an incredible actor, but an extremely talented director.  I was never a fan of arrested development (probably because I never watched it).  However, after seeing Bad Words and now The Family Fang, I have a whole new respect for Jason Bateman

The story line:Annie and Baxter, the adult children of the controversial husband and wife conceptual performance art couple famous for their quirky macabre public performances, have never got ove…