Back from Oz and starting over

Hello all.  Sorry I haven't been forthright in posting lately.  As many of you know, I decided to come back from Australia.  I ran out of money and job prospects and since my visa was going to expire in December, I decided to change my ticket and come back early.  Actually I would have stayed until my exit date of December 2nd, but there were no flights back onVirgin Australia that met my ticket requirements.  The trick was I had to be on the non stop from Brisbane to LAX and it only ran on certain days, otherwise my ticket back would have cost around 1600-2300 dollars.  After researching flights from the 15th of december backwards, it turns out the only days I could come back, on a $150 change fee, were November 11th and November 13th.

So I am back in LA and looking for work.  Any work. I tend to think I am not looking hard enough or in the right area.  I wonder how long I can hold out without being employed or "a freeloader" as an ex girlfriend put it.  I guess the only thing I can do is wait and see .  I am highly impatient and sometimes the lack of responsibility/work makes me become a "I don't give a fuck about anything" type of person.

I learned a lot while I was away.  I became a yoga instructor (beginner) and work on my own practice every other day (soon to be daily). I figured out that I am a guide, not (nor do i ever want to be) a guru.  I think I was put here to help people get back on track or find their way (ironic since I often don't connect with my own path).  I met some amazing people.  Especially the people in my Santosha family. The people I met are the most beautiful, kind, loving, giving and uplifting people I have ever met.  They always have a great word to say and know how to build others up.  They love life and don't care about the circumstances yet find joy in all things.

I learned why I need to do yoga daily and why I need to find that stillness of mind. Especially now without work.  The negative thoughts berate me every day and stillness of mind lets me know that I am okay right where I am. I am on this journey for a reason and that reason is not yet clear to me.  Overall I am thankful, which is a term we forget on a daily basis.  Rather than worrying about what isn't, we just take a moment to be thankful for what we have.  Last night, I had a can of Trader Joe's vegetarian chili, which I warmed on the stove and served with some amazing bread that my lovely aunt Christina baked.  I sat down to eat and I just immediately felt grace and thankfulness in my heart.  I was also overwhelmed by gratefulness to be living with my aunt and uncle again and having a roof over my head.

I am still learning to let go of my attachment to money.  It is a daily journey and I know that it makes the world go around, but I choose to believe there is something else at work...something greater.   I know the conservatives out there will say I am a freeloader to the system; a skater, a free ride junkie, a loaner, a complainer, a want to be; but in truth, I get up every day and I try.  I try to do the best I can with what I have been given.  I have learned that love and compassion far outweigh money. When I called my Aunt Christina and asked her for the money to change my ticket, she didn't hesitate.  She isn't rich by any means and her and don are on fixed income, but she is generous of heart and spirit.  She loves unconditionally and sees beyond narrow minded ideals into the heart of the person.

I learned that you have to take yourself out of negative situations and that sometimes you can have the best intentions in the world, but it won't matter. People need to fix their own shit.  You can suggest, hint and try to help but the truth will always reside within.  The desire to make your life your best, is a journey started by putting one foot in front of the other. The best plans in the world won't make you a better person. We have to Do and Be; a continual circle.

I feel in a small way like I failed on this journey.  I decided to sell all and give up everything in hopes of a new future in Australia.  I came back broke and humbled, but I am reminded that not all is lost.

The only real failure is the failure to try and the measure of success is how we cope with disappointment, as we always must.  We came here and we tried, all of us in our own different ways.  Can we be blamed for feeling that we are too old to change? Too scared of disappointment to start it all again?  We get up in the morning and we do our best.  Nothing else matters, but it is also true that the person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing.  All we know about the future is that it will be different, but perhaps what we fear is that it will be the same, so we must celebrate the changes, because as someone once said, 'Everything will be alright in the end, and if its not alright, trust me, its not the end' " Judi Dench-Day 51-The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

So even though I come back broke, I am renewed and realize that it will be alright in the end.

Until next time...