the wandering mind...

5:45 am The day starts like any other.  I wake up and contemplate going to the gym but the the bed feels too comfortable. I begin looking at my phone to see what messages I may have missed...really? I am not that important, besides, who texts you after 9 p.m. anyway? Its like I obsess about someone texting or hearing back from the one person I want to hear from...but it doesn't happen...never does.  At 43, I should give up the idea of being a playboy, bootycall, Christian grey or whatever society has labeled me as.  I should be over that stage in my life, but I am not. I would love to start a family.  

My life is a drastic departure over what it was.  I am now a desk jockey. My spirit rots.  I feel un-fresh and un-clean. I can't come up with a decent idea to save my life. I used to find inspiration in the clouds and would be inspired often.  Its as if traveling allowed me to clear the fog in my head and compose the ideas. Now I watch traffic roll in on the drive and miss my time in the clouds. I miss the new experience of it all.  I miss the random airports, the late nights, the ability to take a vacation whenever, the trips to vegas, the food, the fun...I miss it all.  Its like I feel myself withering away.  I see everything around me but don't feel a part of any of it.

Maybe this is growing up. Discouraged that I didn't save more.  I hate living paycheck to paycheck. I want to be debt free.  The taxes, the cc bills, the school loans...the car payment...what the fuck was I thinking??? Jesus, i could have two cars for what I am paying for this one.  I pay more for my car then i do where I live.  I want to walk away.  I want to set the phones down, leave the keys in the car, give away the suits, load up the back pack and just start walking and see where the road takes me.

The simple things that used to give me joy are no more. I am robotic in my approach.  Wake up, work out, go to work, work out, eat a salad or two, go to bed and start over again. We are looking for that next thing but it never comes. We wait.  We wait more.  We then think we want to go out and get it but we don't know what the hell "it" is.  I meditate and my mind finally shuts up. What am i doing? Who knows and who cares.  Do i want to be successful? Why when there is no one to share that success with. 

http://www.vevo.com/watch/kenna/hell-bent/USSM20404046

its 10:14am and I am counting the minutes...til what I have no idea. Wait for the next catastrophe, phone call or surprise.  Maybe this is life.

Until next time...