I have this insane urge to jump off a bridge and sit at the bottom of the ocean and just watch as my life fades away. Sometimes we get hit with the "we really don't matter" in the grand scheme of things, today is no exception. I have been pulled to a place where i am all to familiar. I am trying to make the switch and come out but as i look around, i feel un-needed.
I give great advice to people and i am realizing that i need to take my own advice. I sit in the midst of an unknown situation, unknown living and unknown work. I tell everyone to hold steady on the work front and that work will appear, yet in my own life, i have no work til June. Some would say that could be a blessing or a curse. Currently with no definite living situation and no steady income, i would have to say, at this moment it sucks. I meander in to the unknown and my life is completely unknown.
We want to put our lives into a little box. We need to be able to classify what our life means in the grand scheme of things. We jockey for meaning in the infinite void. We make acquaintances that we hope would mean something, and in the end don't. We think we touch peoples lives, but we are soon forgotten because the truth is we are all striving for some end goal, some end prize. We say we would bring those that are close to us up, but reality is fear keeps us from completing the circle. It is much like the mouse and the cheese, we have to hold on to it as long as we can because we have to put things in a container that we know only we can open.
I ramble sometimes but that rambling is necessary to make sense of "us" in the grand scheme of things. Truth is nothing lasts forever and that sometimes the blessings in our life are solely temporary. People may come into your life for a reason, and without warning, that moment is gone, whether it is for a minute, a week a month or a year. We are but moments in the timeline of life. We try and make our mark and in the end, it may or may not make a difference.
I imagine a world where everyone becomes selfless for a moment and as a collective we build each other up. In reality all i see is the mouse with cheese or the squirrel with a nut. Forgive me for my venting, its just that I don't feel like i belong here anymore. I look around at the sad faces, the concerned people that feel like they don't fit in, the hopeless and feel like we are all just disconnected.
Somedays are just covered in gray...