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Day 5 with mom in ICU

You can't imagine the emotions that run through your head when someone you love is hooked up to wires and tubes and feels pain.  I don't know what is worse, the anxiety attacks she has or the pain from getting sucked through the trach tube.  I think the worse part for me is not being able to do anything.  Even being here I feel useless, emotionally drained and stressed beyond belief.  I try to breathe but get over taken by emotions.

I am also stressed because of the move and giving up everything.  I am not upset because I know if roles were reversed, mom would do it for me.  I dread having to go back to my old place in Leucadia and get the rest of my stuff, not for any other reason than seeing my kitties.  I know they are going to be okay because they are going into good hands, however, for me it is more than that.  I had to abandon my favorite dog 11 years ago, Jasmine.  I had no place to put her as I was moving in with a friend, and he had a dog already.  It broke my heart to look at pictures of her and remember her cute face greeting me at the door every time I would come home from work, either for lunch or for the evening.  She loved me so much and the bond showed.  Walking a way from her crushed my spirit and it took me a long time to get over.

I am faced with a similar predicament now as I have to walk away from 3 girls that have given me so much joy over the 7 years I have been with them.  I think what saddens me the most is not being able to be there and see them when I walk in the door.  Greeted by all three was a regular occasion, unless they were sleeping, and even then they would hear me and come greet me in my room and ask where I had been and if they could please be loved.  I miss seeing their faces and petting them and hearing them purr next to me at night as we fell asleep together.

I guess the message once again is not to develop attachments to anything in this world.  It seems so loud and clear as I look at my mother, who fights for every breath.  I want her to get better, but that is up to her, not me.  I developed an attachment to Jasmine and she was taken away.  The same is occurring now with my three girls, circumstances beyond anyones control are forcing me to walk away.

For as much as I hate what money represents, this is one of the times that I wish I had more than my fair share in order to be able to rent or buy a place on my own, close to my mom so that I can take care of her and keep the little nuggets in my life that bring me joy.  Money could also allow me to buy the best nurses and doctors so that Mom could be at home resting and trying to get better.  (Please note, I am not saying anything about West Hills Hospital care:  They are doing a Phenomenal job taking care of her and I could not really ask for more), but it would be good if she were at home.  I feel she would be more comfortable.

My life is just a clusterfuck right now.  I feel like I was just knocked down by the biggest wave and cant find my way up to the surface.  I want to come up for breath, but there is none, as soon as I have a little respite from the insanity, another wave comes crashing down.  just breath... all i can do is just breath...

Until next time...


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