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So there's this thing...

That I have figured out while walking around on this journey, and that is, I am a gypsy. I love to travel, no scratch that...I need to travel. Its in my blood. The reason that I never settled down and had children was so that I could see the rest of the world and the amazingly beautiful places that exist. I have figured that much of my current discontent lies with my inability to get on a plane and go anywhere.

With my mom's cancer being back it has shaken my world from the core out. I think my naivety in thinking is that we will never get old and never die. I know that now to be the farthest thing from the truth. I awoke one day and realized that I am not making it financially in this world, but I have a gift to enlighten others and to heal them, so that is why I made the decision to sell any remaining "stuff" I had and come live with my mom. I may not heal her but I know that me being around her helps.

I have had a hard time with all of it really. Not hard in the sense that my life is horrible, just a hard time processing it all. On one hand my mother is battling cncer and thinking about that makes me EXTREMELY sad and on the other hand, leaving my semi established life and walking away from my 3 girls literally rips my heart out. If Im not crying about my mom, I am crying because I know I will miss my girls. I am not placing any value here stating that one is better than the other. It is a conundrum because they both leave me emotionally drained (and trust me I know my mom is the most important thing right now, it just doesn't make it any less difficult)

At times I want to run away from it all in order to deal, or avoid, depending on the perspective. I know that I will get clarity again after this struggle, as I always do, its just like a plane coming in for a visual landing, when the airport is fogged in. You can't see where your going or why, but after you land and taxi to the gate, it all begins to make sense.

I pray for clarity, peace, healing, love, compassion, connectedness, patience, and the ability to discern it all. I am thankful that my mom is still here, I pray that her pain becomes less and disappears. I pray for strength as I watch someone I care so much for suffer and finally I pray for forgiveness from my girls and that they will still remember me down the road.

Until next time...

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