Skip to main content

So there's this thing...

That I have figured out while walking around on this journey, and that is, I am a gypsy. I love to travel, no scratch that...I need to travel. Its in my blood. The reason that I never settled down and had children was so that I could see the rest of the world and the amazingly beautiful places that exist. I have figured that much of my current discontent lies with my inability to get on a plane and go anywhere.

With my mom's cancer being back it has shaken my world from the core out. I think my naivety in thinking is that we will never get old and never die. I know that now to be the farthest thing from the truth. I awoke one day and realized that I am not making it financially in this world, but I have a gift to enlighten others and to heal them, so that is why I made the decision to sell any remaining "stuff" I had and come live with my mom. I may not heal her but I know that me being around her helps.

I have had a hard time with all of it really. Not hard in the sense that my life is horrible, just a hard time processing it all. On one hand my mother is battling cncer and thinking about that makes me EXTREMELY sad and on the other hand, leaving my semi established life and walking away from my 3 girls literally rips my heart out. If Im not crying about my mom, I am crying because I know I will miss my girls. I am not placing any value here stating that one is better than the other. It is a conundrum because they both leave me emotionally drained (and trust me I know my mom is the most important thing right now, it just doesn't make it any less difficult)

At times I want to run away from it all in order to deal, or avoid, depending on the perspective. I know that I will get clarity again after this struggle, as I always do, its just like a plane coming in for a visual landing, when the airport is fogged in. You can't see where your going or why, but after you land and taxi to the gate, it all begins to make sense.

I pray for clarity, peace, healing, love, compassion, connectedness, patience, and the ability to discern it all. I am thankful that my mom is still here, I pray that her pain becomes less and disappears. I pray for strength as I watch someone I care so much for suffer and finally I pray for forgiveness from my girls and that they will still remember me down the road.

Until next time...


Popular posts from this blog

Feels like a throat punch to my heart

So, I thought today was going to be just another Sunday of lounging around and netflixing.  I don't think I have ever been so wrong in my life.  To start with, Facebook reminded me of my memories.  I happened to click on a friends link and decided to follow another link to my very first girlfriends sisters page.  Its random how I got there, but I blame facebook.

To my shock, I saw that her sister had passed on the 22nd of November.  I was shocked because I knew that she wasn't that old.  I reached out to an old mutual acquaintance and found out it was pretty sudden and unexpected.  That had me in some kinda mood.  Because of that, I began to text and email friends and check in and make sure then were okay.

I got a text message from a close colleague I used to work with at a previous job.

Beck: "whats shakin CB"
Me: "Not much just wanted to say hello.  Had a wake up call today.  Found out first girlfriends sister just passed away.  So sad...she was young"

Just a friendly update on me :-)

Hey everyone

Just wanted to give an update. You may remember that I said I was going to be coming back to California, well it is official.  I am heading down May 1. I will most likely take the train and stop in Napa to visit my cousin Stephen Bordes at his winery for a day or two.  From there, I will catch a train to San diego.

I am currently looking for work and open to any positions that may be available, I just ask that you don't hold it against me because I have a masters degree.  I have seen many companies shy away from hiring me because I have a Masters Degree.  I am honestly looking to get off my feet and find a base of operation. My home is California and I know that now.  I am native and the air, soil and water are in my bones.

I am looking to establish which means I will need to find a place to live (that I pay for monthly), maybe even get a car (down the road) for now I know that I will have to use the bus and I am okay with that. I am nervous as hell about this move …

Movie Review: The Family Fang- 4.5 out of 5 stars

Narrator:  Imagine your dead. Feel yourself go numb. Start with your fingers, move to your hands, your wrists, right on up to your elbows. Everything is dead. If we can imagine our own death, but still manage to come back to life, then it proves we can survive, anything.

Baxter Fang: Don't be afraid. Own the moment. If you're in control then the chaos will happen around you and not to you.

This was one of the best and possibly overlooked movies of 2015 (which is why I am just now reviewing it in 2016) in my humbled opinion.  Jason Bateman is not only an incredible actor, but an extremely talented director.  I was never a fan of arrested development (probably because I never watched it).  However, after seeing Bad Words and now The Family Fang, I have a whole new respect for Jason Bateman

The story line:Annie and Baxter, the adult children of the controversial husband and wife conceptual performance art couple famous for their quirky macabre public performances, have never got ove…