Chad Writes Stuff

Well things are better since my last blog.  Mom is sleeping a lot and being taken care of fantastically by the staff here at West Hills Hospital.  She seems to be in less pain than usual and is slowly adjusting to the trach tube in her throat.  Her stats are good.  O2 saturation is about 98% BP is 117/60 and Respiration rate is about 22. They had to take her off feeding tube again as she was not absorbing everything and they are probably going to cut her dose down to 30 instead of 45 and hour.  He color is back and she is resting peacefully.  I try to spend as much time with her as possible.  8-12 hours a day and I think now that she is a bit more lucid, it makes a difference.  She feels at ease. Its interesting because to me it is a reversal of life.  When you think about being a kid, you always want your mom.  When you are hurt, you want your mom. First day of school, you are nervous to leave your moms safety, but you fly the coop anyway.  Mom is in that same place now where she alwa...

You can't imagine the emotions that run through your head when someone you love is hooked up to wires and tubes and feels pain.  I don't know what is worse, the anxiety attacks she has or the pain from getting sucked through the trach tube.  I think the worse part for me is not being able to do anything.  Even being here I feel useless, emotionally drained and stressed beyond belief.  I try to breathe but get over taken by emotions. I am also stressed because of the move and giving up everything.  I am not upset because I know if roles were reversed, mom would do it for me.  I dread having to go back to my old place in Leucadia and get the rest of my stuff, not for any other reason than seeing my kitties.  I know they are going to be okay because they are going into good hands, however, for me it is more than that.  I had to abandon my favorite dog 11 years ago, Jasmine.  I had no place to put her as I was moving in with a friend, and he had a dog already.  It broke my heart to...

Day 2 I hear her cough, I twinge; I see her twinge, i squirm I can't help wanting to run to her rescue every time she moves. Can I calm her anxiety when she wakes up. The tracheotomy was today and the surgery was a success. I can't help but doubt my existence every time she hurts. I don't know why but it is built into my system. I want to fix everything and make it all better. I guess it comes from watching parents with alcohol problems when I was younger. My mom is a sweet angel and sometimes I can't fix it and I get frustrated. I have to take a step back and breathe. Sometimes i feel so alone and helpless, like no matter what I do, it will never be close to enough. I never realized how hard this was going to be. I tell people that there is never an obstacle that cant be overcome, but then I am faced with this and doubt enters my mind like a snake climbing up through a tree branch. I begin to ask questions like, "maybe if I would have been more re...

I awoke at 4:25, 15 minutes before my alarm was scheduled to go off. I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth and washed my face. I planned out the logistics of loading the boxes into my car so that I could be on the road by 6a.m. I loaded the boxes that I could fit not leaving an inch to spare. Grabbed my laptop and canvas rollerbag filled with clothes books and toiletries and headed out the door. First stop, 7-11 for a trusty cup of coffee and a muffin as well as some milk. I hit the road right at 6:20 and drove straight up to West Hills Hospital, where my mom was admitted the night before. Christina and Don took turns making sure she was okay and being treated well. I arrived to the hospital at 9:45 and made my way up to my mom's room. I was greeted by a silent hello and then saw my mom lying there as I walked in. Nothing in the world can prepare you for cancer and how quickly the disease destroys its host. She was extremely underweight and it showed. I had ...

So I just listened to this song this morning and it brought me to my emotional place. I had to attach the lyrics because they hit me so hard at this particular moment in my life. And after the storm, I run and run as the rains come And I look up, I look up, on my knees and out of luck, I look up. Night has always pushed up day You must know life to see decay But I won't rot, I won't rot Not this mind and not this heart, I won't rot. And I took you by the hand And we stood tall, And remembered our own land, What we lived for. And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair. And now I cling to what I knew I saw exactly what was true But oh no more. That's why I hold, That's why I hold with all I have. That's why I hold. I will die alone and be left there. Well I guess I'll just go home, Oh...

I have been contemplating, searching and looking for answers and for every answer, I get 5 questions. Maybe I shouldn't be looking for answers but for questions? I think I have been going at it all wrong and can't help but think we all have. A great friend and I went to go see the documentary, "I AM" and I must say, that this movie affected me and inspired me to look at the world in which I have been living for so long. It has forced me to question everything I ever learned and many of the beliefs that I have held so sacred for so long. I may make a mess of this, but I will try to keep you informed, educated and following me as I go through this. 1. We all have a purpose on this earth. If you think it is to be a millionaire or live in a huge mansion or to be doing something other than your god given talent, you may want to re assess. 2. All of the things around us are built to keep us content or to satisfy our human condition. Its kind of like the question, what ...

That I have figured out while walking around on this journey, and that is, I am a gypsy. I love to travel, no scratch that...I need to travel. Its in my blood. The reason that I never settled down and had children was so that I could see the rest of the world and the amazingly beautiful places that exist. I have figured that much of my current discontent lies with my inability to get on a plane and go anywhere. With my mom's cancer being back it has shaken my world from the core out. I think my naivety in thinking is that we will never get old and never die. I know that now to be the farthest thing from the truth. I awoke one day and realized that I am not making it financially in this world, but I have a gift to enlighten others and to heal them, so that is why I made the decision to sell any remaining "stuff" I had and come live with my mom. I may not heal her but I know that me being around her helps. I have had a hard time with all of it really. Not hard in t...