Is Knowledge Really Power?

Versailles was great. It is amazing to me to think it was all man made. 1000's of people built it and worked on it until it was complete. The gardens were so grand and the grounds were so well maintained after all these years. I thought heavily about my father yesterday. I imagined him on one of his weekend trips,coming over to Paris, taking the train to Versailles and taking mad photos with the AE-1 camera that he gave to me. I guess now that I have to pass this on to my offspring and hope they have the same respect and pass it down the line.

I guess I am missing Dad more than i gave credit. I had a dream that he gave up on life just as I had/have done and that he and my mom divorced. He was trying to justify why he quit trying at the agency and what he was going to do about rent for the past two months. Sean and Becky got involved and began asking my mom about prenuptual agreements and how to get dad off the lease before anymore serious damage was done. I dreamt that he lost his mind and killed himself because the two things that he loved the most were gone, my mom and his travel agency.

Upon seeing this, I became so emotional in my dream, that I started becoming frantic. It was very wierd. I don't know if I will ever be able to explain that one.

I also had a dream about Fatima. Maybe it wasn't a dream but rather a vision. I was a little bit upset with her last night for drinking wine with Lisa and Danielle. I realize/realized that she may be too strong for me and that I may have to let her go. I feel she is very independent and really has no need or use for me in her life. I realize that I am nice for her to have in her life but not a necessary part of that life. This is how i feel. Perceptions may not be real, but reality is. I personally feel that I should keep it low key for the rest of the trip.

I realize that all advances are being made by me and that make me seems/feel like a perv. No more. I don't want to become distanced but I must maintain exactly where I am. She treats me like I am a friend and not a boyfriend. Like it or not, it is okay to kiss in public. Its like she may be offending her friends. The sparkle in her eyes is fading when she looks in my eyes. I will not bail, but I will distance, however awkward that is. Her signals are unclear at best and I will not call her on this She may be too much and cannot put forth the effort that I so desire. She is beautiful, but I may have to let her go.

I don't like this action/reaction. I act or tell her about something and she reacts by over compensating. She is a free spirit and still soaring highly. I am but a pauper with feet firmly planted on the ground. Eagles and paupers are 2 different! She is beautiful but we may have to go our own ways on this trip.

Distance has not helped bond this relationship. I thought this trip would bring us closer together, but it seems to tear us apart. She is not spontaneous and is or so it seems concerned with her image amongst her friends.

Until next time...

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Feels like a throat punch to my heart

Screw back up plans

Just a friendly update on me :-)