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Dating etiquette

Okay so I went on a Christmas party/housewarming on Friday night. I am assuming I was accompanying this person as eye candy, Why else would you bring me?  Being the new Salt Daddy of San Diego, I am great to look at and talk with, but there isn't much else there.

We went to the store and picked up some wine and a housewarming gift. We arrived at the party at about 9pm and proceeded to get introduced to a butt-load of people whom I will never remember because I SUCK with names. You might as well be walking around with a name badge on the first time I meet you because, names don't stick the first time I meet you.  (Note to self: this could be a great way to remember all my nameless one night stands.  Put a name badge on their forehead when they fall asleep and pull it off just before they wake up or I have to send them on their way in a cab).

Anyhow, we made our way to the kitchen and my date and I poured ourselves some wine and made our way to a comfy spot on the couch. I began to chat with my date and noticed she was able to put away the wine really well. She was opening up and showing her non-reserved side.

Note to guys: There is a good opening up and an oh shit I am under a land slide how the hell do I dig my way out of here, and the latter was pretty much the girl I went with. 3 glasses turned into 6 or 7 and at that point, nobody is having fun.

I finally suggested we leave at about 1:30 in the morning.  I tried to escort her safely to my car, but she took a little spill while stepping down from a curb and scraped up her knee (I was laughing pretty hard inside but kept it too myself).  The drive home took on about the 5th circle of hell in Dante's Inferno as my passenger was rambling different things from the passenger seat like, "turn here" when we were on the interstate 30 miles from home. I think at one point she asked me about the theory of relativity and what my stance on pyramid waterskiing was.  She mumbled some other things which I couldn't really make out, sounded alien to me. At this point I wanted to get her home safely and then GTFOT, that is code for Get the Fuck outta there).

Arriving at her house, I made sure she was able to get in the front door and asked if I could use her restroom. After using the restroom and washing my hands and throwing some water on my face to refresh, I walked out into the living room.

My so called date began a barrage of questions like why I was hitting on her friend and she saw the way I was looking at her friends. I realized she was 3 sheets past shitty and there was no way to win the argument or drama that she wanted to bring on. I excused myself and lied and said, "I had a wonderful evening" and hauled ass for the door while putting my coat on. I couldn't get away from there fast enough.

Morales of the story:

1.  If you are going to invite a date (male/female) to a party---try as hard as possible not to become the shitty mister or shitty misses.

2. Conversation is a huge fail when one party is drunk.  Its like trying to talk to someone in Cantonese when you have never had a lesson.  Stick to the same language.

3.  Being sober for  sex sake is a great idea.  Guys, when you are wasted, remember its like trying to put cooked spaghetti into a glass of warm water, no matter how hard you try, its not going to stay in.  Ladies, I dont' care what your girlfriends tell you, being completely shit-faced is not an attractive look to any guy.

4.  If you find your self in the situation and your date is getting FUBAR, exit gracefully and let the other person stay the night at a friends.  Sometimes its a bigger pain in the ass to tote drunky McCrunkerson anywhere and ends up leading to bad conversation, bad drives home or bad feelings... If you do have to take a drunk home, try to find the humor in it and laugh often at your silly inebriated friend or date.  There is a first and last time for everything.

Until next time...


  1. WOAH! thanks for the play by play & for the laughs. and most especially for the analogy that i will never forget... putting cooked spaghetti in a warm glass of water... that's awesome!

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