If you search hard enough, you are bound to find...

Well as we all know, if you search hard enough for something you will find it. I guess its just the curious nature of us being human. We sometimes need to know something, anything about a person or even to just find a person that may have been a part of our past. That is what facebook and myspace are all about, right? We connect with old high school or junior high friends to acquire information about their life and hope that they are well. We see pictures of their family now, reminisce about days of glory past and move on.l

Tonight I just happened to be curious and looked up an old friend of mine. Two people with the same name popped up in facebook. I looked at friends to see if i recognized any old acquaintances and no one really stuck out. I scrolled a little further and froze. There on the screen was a picture of my ex wife. I knew then it was the friend I was looking for.

I began to think about that life that i walked away from almost 10 years ago. I thought of my beliefs and how they affected my decisions in life back then. One thought was that when I married her, i thought it would be forever. I was naive to think that if there were problems, we would have worked through. I thought of my family and how they would disprove of me getting divorced. I thought about how they would add that to the list of failed accomplishments in my life. I didn't believe in myself back then but thought that marriage was the thing to do. All my cousins had done it, they had kids and they had moved on with their lives, why couldn't I?

I also thought about all the bitterness and hatred i carried around for years following the divorce. I was angry all the time, I hadn't processed my fathers death completely, which had happened about the same time as the divorce. I began seeing a shrink who prescribed welbutrin, which became my best friend for 3 years and made me numb to everything. I became a robot and stopped feeling and experiencing. The reality of it all kicked in when my ex girlfriend of 5 years left in december of 06. In 07 i decided to take back my life. I gave up the welbutrin, started exercising, eating right and stopped blaming the world for all my problems and began to realize that the problems I was experiencing, were all my doing in the first place.

9 years have passed since the separation/divorce and much has changed in my life. I come from a place of love and acceptance and see the truth behind everything. I realize my part in the marriage failure. I realize that I only want happiness for those in my past and that regret and hatred has no place in my life. We are only here a brief time and the hatred and animosity we build up in our lives because of past situations that didn't turn out supposedly "ok", eat away at us and keep us from experiencing true joy and happiness.

Life isn't about being angry at your fellow man, it is about loving your brothers and sisters and finding joy, love, and happiness in everything around you. Its about moving past the hate and into the love and accepting that life is ever changing, ever evolving and that nothing, no matter how how we try, will stay the same. Close friends will become "hey hows it going" friends in time. Scenery changes and old things are torn down, new structures go up in their place. The street you lived on as a child probably looks a lot different than it does now.

The only thing we can really count on is change. The only way to accept that change is in love and not fear. Embrace the chaos and maneuver in love. It makes the journey much better. Even though I ran across my ex wife, I am able to wish her the best and hope that she gets all the happiness she deserves. Live in love...not fear and hatred.

Goodnight :-)

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