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And so I realized...

In a city of Seattle, where there are Starbucks on practically every corner, while on a brisk evening walk back to my hotel after dinner, the realization hit me, " I fucked up". It relates to a lovely woman I met coming back from Atlanta, who made me miss a breath when she sat down on that plane back to San Diego. To say she was beautiful, intriguing and the ideal painting of what my ideal mate would be like, would be an understatement. I took a chance and figured I would put myself out there for this one, almost positive that she had a boyfriend or a fiance that would be waiting for her when she got off the plane.

I later found out that she did not and arranged a date with her later that week. I won't bore you with the details, but she ignited that spark and just being around her made me forget about time and just be in the moment. The conversations from that point on were inspiring, and extremely enjoyable to me. After each date I would look forward to planning the next one or possibly seeing when I could see her again. She really stirred something in me that I hadn't felt probably since beginning college.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of feeling and being honest and being unable to listen to what she wanted. She was pretty clear on what she wanted, yet I pursued, thinking that by maybe being completely honest about my feelings towards her would change how she felt. I did what I thought I was supposed to do and that was to be completely open, or more so than I already am. She even inspired me to write fountain pen letters to her and deliver them at odd hours during the day either to her car, or mailbox. To be truthful, she brought out my youth again and was young and believed in love and falling head over heels for someone.

This weekend proved to be the test. She was spending time with friends and I wanted her to have a great time. I tried not to get involved but I couldn't stop thinking of her. I would send the occasional text or possible email, hoping maybe for a minute that she may respond, or in my dream call back or text and say, "hey I am thinking of you too" I realized in sending the texts, or even the emails that it was too much and very much undesired. I was brought back to something that a friend once told me, "The one who cares the least in any sort of relationship, has all the power".

I texted her in the a.m. and apologized for my insecure behavior. I was advised that it was too much and that we have different expectations. I said that I would step way back and again apologized. At that moment, I was then reflected back to a question that my friend Ashley asked me, "what do you believe in?" My answer, "Absolutely nothing" I don't believe in heaven or hell, god or the devil, good or bad or even myself for that matter any longer. And at that moment, I became free.

I am bummed slightly because I really liked this girl. I feel like I was just getting to know her. My rushed actions and feeling like a school boy, pushed her away. Maybe someday she will forgive me and we can start at friends…

Until next time...

Comments

  1. Chad, as always I am amazed by your honesty and insight. And although it is natural to feel "bummed" when such situations do not go your way I find it very admirable that you were not only able but willing to go with your feelings for this girl. Maybe she was not in the same place as you and therefor could not appreciate or identify with the emotions you were experiencing. I truly believe that one day she may look upon those moments and wonder "what if"....if nothing transpires from here on. I am sorry that your very romantic and truthful feelings were not met with the same enthusiasm but I still feel, as I am sure that you must as well, that it is a great gift to simply "feel" in this way that you have so eloquently described. As we grow older we do tend to lose some of that youthful recklessness that allows us to throw caution to the wind and jump right into how we are feeling. However, I believe that it is this behavior that keeps us young. Feel your feelings Chad. And please continue to share them at will. And please remember that you are loved. ~Rox

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  2. Thank you for your kind comments Roxanne and as always, I really appreciate you reading my blog.

    Chad

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