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Not sure what to call it

So, in hindsight, maybe I didn't choose the right career. Maybe I wasn't pushed towards things that may have sparked my interest, or driven in a fashion that other kids were driven. Maybe today is another day in a series of many in which I can't separate from my head? Truth is , I have no idea.

We focus our time on self help books to help us find the answers. The Christians look to God, the Muslims look to Allah, the worldly people look to Eckhart, Deepak, or some other random guru of enlightenment. The honest truth is...its not that simple.

Most of us wake up in.a foul, somber or downright depressed mood because of the hand that life has dealt us. We have too much debt, can't pay our rent, car note is 2 months late, and we don't even know who we are. We walk around like zombies, under the innate desire to feast on human flesh or brain assuming that, "maybe that is all there is"

We try to break free from the life that has bound us, yet instead we are snared. Maybe the great ones are called to be there for a purpose. Maybe they inspire us to be better people, but do we? Do we become better people, or do we form the image of a better person that we think everyone would want to see? Maybe some of us regardless of the images we form in our mind never really become that better person unless the deities or universal power sees fit. Just because I can visualize a puppy, doesn't mean I can make one, nor can i make it manifest. If I could manifest the life of my dreams, wouldn't I choose a nice life, with a great home, loving family, decent car and no debt. Not an over the top life, just a life in which money wasn't always the central theme or concern. Why in the fuck would I manifest a life of stress and worry? Not logical to me.

Many of you may be saying, wow, this isn't a recognizable format for you Chad, you are always so upbeat. Truth is maybe life isn't' all fucking rainbows and unicorns. Maybe sometimes we really need to question our existence and the darkness that resides in each of us. Maybe we need to start digging deep to find that little dark spot that stains our very existence and dissect the shit out of it. Maybe, just maybe, They Might Be Giants was wrong. Maybe there is no way to make "a little birdhouse in your soul" I heard a quote once and it struck a chord with me when I first got out of junior college, (yes thats right I went to junior college, its not a real college but rather and extension of that miserable place some of you might of known as high school) and that is "The unexamined life is not worth living"

Maybe our mind can't be silenced. Maybe we try to silence it by blocking out the sounds or palpitations its sends out. We learn to live in the now and keep the mind in a loop of beauty, peacefulness and tranquility. Sometimes that is fucking boring. Maybe we just want to live. Maybe our parents and the school systems lied to us. Maybe there is no such thing as a good life. Maybe all the ideas that were crammed into our heads are shit. Maybe Jack was right…Maybe this is as good as it gets.

My point being, don't discredit the darkness. It exists and is real and the longer you spend denying it, the worse off you will be. Go as deep as you possibly can into that dark hole and find out where it leads you. Alice did it…so should you.

Until next time...


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Just a friendly update on me :-)

Hey everyone

Just wanted to give an update. You may remember that I said I was going to be coming back to California, well it is official.  I am heading down May 1. I will most likely take the train and stop in Napa to visit my cousin Stephen Bordes at his winery for a day or two.  From there, I will catch a train to San diego.

I am currently looking for work and open to any positions that may be available, I just ask that you don't hold it against me because I have a masters degree.  I have seen many companies shy away from hiring me because I have a Masters Degree.  I am honestly looking to get off my feet and find a base of operation. My home is California and I know that now.  I am native and the air, soil and water are in my bones.

I am looking to establish which means I will need to find a place to live (that I pay for monthly), maybe even get a car (down the road) for now I know that I will have to use the bus and I am okay with that. I am nervous as hell about this move …