Pulling through...

So today I woke up in a relatively good mood, although I did have a screwed up dream about my ex wife, her father and some random people I have no idea about. I woke up at 6:30 and tried to embrace the day, even though I was a bit drag-ass. I checked my email and began to prep for my day, for on this day, I decided to do a ride with my friend Eileen through Elfin Forrest. Note to self: Rides from now on start at 7am not 9 as previously thought was okay as 9am leads into a noon ride which equals heat which equals a bitch.

I realized today that I will never be a Lance Armstrong, or even the guy in last place in the tour for that matter, however, I did realize that I love the ride and just being out doors. I completed a 50 mile ride today and it felt good, not great mind you, just good. I got off the bike feeling accomplished. The fact that I was moving and doing something made me feel better about the day. I think the biggest reason I felt good is because I forced myself to be in the moment. I felt the heat of the sun beating down on me, I felt the air warm up as we rode further from the coast, I heard the tires on the pavement, and I cherished the cool air as I got back to towards the coast near Solana Beach.

Im not perfect. Sometimes I just get caught up in the moment. I feel like I have to be superman and fix people and the world. I want to help all those in need...call me altruistic. I was listening to a song the other day and it hit home for me.

"It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive, Even heroes have the right to bleed, I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede, Even heroes have the right to dream, And it’s not easy to be me."


Sometimes I just take it all in and can't find the way to let it go. I know I have been extremely negative or debbie downer lately and I apologize. I am human and have human emotions sometimes. I appreciate all your support. So many people reached out and said they care and it made me realize I am not alone. The human condition is alive and well...

Until next time

PS. expect a lot more cynical shit from me in the future...I have realized that the journey is the best part and as my friend Catherine said,

"Life is not a destination, it's a journey.. be who you want to be - no one gets an award when they get to the end of this life who has the most money. It's about being happy, the most simplest of things.
It may be a mid-life crisis.. or maybe just a mid-life assessment.. what and how can I fit in all the things I want to do in the next 30 years."

Comments

  1. Hey, guess what? Ur normal. In fact even better than normal because you are capable of knowing how you are feeling. A lot of people can't tell you more than happy sad or mad is how they feel and that's a shame. Mad isn't even a feeling, it's fear plus supression. I think you hit the time when, if you are the sort not into acceptiong mediocracy complciently, you start to asses the place you're in by complacently, you compare your life to those that are in your age group and try to evaluate what you want to do to improve this time you have. Loss is a great catapult for that. I think you are in a great position to make positive changes longterm. Don't medicate or avoid the feelings and you will absultely grow in ways you always wanted to and didn't choose to before. We all do this. I think it's a beautiful mess. Full of new possibilty and growth worth struggling for. Remember the three d's ( learned this from an Olympic figure skater that went to North High where I live) Dedication, Devotion, Determination. Your honesty teaches me as I travel the same path your on. Don't quit.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank God. You sound almost normal and
    I can sleep and eat again, which helps an old
    lady.

    Love,
    MOM

    ReplyDelete

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