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The king of confusion

the more i learn, the less i really know. A good friend of mine said that to me once. I didn't understand it when he told me. I thought about it for a long time and finally it clicked. It seems that these wise words are never more true then as they are now in my life. I seem to have forgotten how to have a relationship. The more i try, the less i avert...

I find myself falling in and out of love on a daily basis. I see a beautiful woman and i am consumed by "what ifs". A whole parade of fantasies comes into my head. I also wonder if i could really be with one woman for the rest of my life? Is there really a "perfect one"? Are we meant to be in relationships "forever"? Is there such a thing as true love, or is it something we are conditioned to at a young age?

People always tell me, "oh you will meet someone someday" or "when you meet that person you will know". I have to say, i thought i knew about a hundred times already and my judgement has been so far off that I can say with some certainty, i am stupid when it comes to love. I feel that i will be forever the pool boy or forever in love. Love seems to come in waves and is it justifiable that it can only be given to one person. Why do we have to be monogamous, rather than polyamourus? Is it just because a book tells us that there is one man for one woman? What about the gay or lesbian who finds the "one" man or one woman to love, are they wrong because they are the same sex? I just can't seem to find answers. The more i look the more I ask, the more i don't know


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Feels like a throat punch to my heart

So, I thought today was going to be just another Sunday of lounging around and netflixing.  I don't think I have ever been so wrong in my life.  To start with, Facebook reminded me of my memories.  I happened to click on a friends link and decided to follow another link to my very first girlfriends sisters page.  Its random how I got there, but I blame facebook.

To my shock, I saw that her sister had passed on the 22nd of November.  I was shocked because I knew that she wasn't that old.  I reached out to an old mutual acquaintance and found out it was pretty sudden and unexpected.  That had me in some kinda mood.  Because of that, I began to text and email friends and check in and make sure then were okay.

I got a text message from a close colleague I used to work with at a previous job.

Beck: "whats shakin CB"
Me: "Not much just wanted to say hello.  Had a wake up call today.  Found out first girlfriends sister just passed away.  So sad...she was young"

Screw back up plans

Yes I said it.  Yes I have had quite a few unsuccessful ventures and I have recently started reading blogs that suggest backup plans.  I don't agree and I will tell you why.

When you have a back up plan you have an "oh shit that didn't work and I have to do something about it". Its like whatever it is going on in your life is going to fail or stop being at some point. Newsflash: You are correct!  NOTHING lasts forever. Your job, your marriage, your income stream, your family and most certainly not your startup or your job.  For those of you wishing to go back to the old days, its not going to happen.  The age of chivalry is dying and the startup that you create will be dead within 10-15 years.  We don't live in our parents or grandparents economy. Hell the way we communicate is changing. See example below and try and decipher what I am saying to you


Did you figure it out yet.  If so, please pat yourself …

Just a friendly update on me :-)

Hey everyone

Just wanted to give an update. You may remember that I said I was going to be coming back to California, well it is official.  I am heading down May 1. I will most likely take the train and stop in Napa to visit my cousin Stephen Bordes at his winery for a day or two.  From there, I will catch a train to San diego.

I am currently looking for work and open to any positions that may be available, I just ask that you don't hold it against me because I have a masters degree.  I have seen many companies shy away from hiring me because I have a Masters Degree.  I am honestly looking to get off my feet and find a base of operation. My home is California and I know that now.  I am native and the air, soil and water are in my bones.

I am looking to establish which means I will need to find a place to live (that I pay for monthly), maybe even get a car (down the road) for now I know that I will have to use the bus and I am okay with that. I am nervous as hell about this move …