the more questions i ask, the more questions i have...

although love may be great, it is oft detrimental to this lion

Chad Bordes

Seems like the more I learn the less i know. It seems that this is a recurring theme in my life and it is one i need to live by. Love is something this guys probably shouldn’t get involved in. It makes me to emotional and keeps me from being a great person. It is great to love people, just not one person. I have been in the situation a few times before where i have been in love and i know how detrimental it can be to me. My pie becomes all out of whack and I become someone I am not used to.

I wish i could have a better balance but for some reason love is a drug for me so it is best if i give worldly love and recieve it back from the universe. Erasmus terms it “Studeo” or the zealous pursuit of something. I think it can be harmful to my health. Love affects most people in a positive way, it affects me negatively. With the first feeling of emotion, i begin to feel doubtful and undeserving of love that someone gives me (when i feel the need to love someone).

I have amazing connections with people and those connections are positive and blessed. When i feel that i am falling or allowing myself to be open, i give too much and become this over emotional beast. Thats not the Chad everyone knows and loves. I am a much more giving loving person when i love myself and just be me. Why is this so contradictory to what i learned growing up? Why can’t it be more simple than that? Why can’t we just fall in love (if we are supposed to) and it be easy?

The more questions i have, the less answers and more questions. I think, “maybe i should become a hobit and not interact with anyone, but that is not my destiny. I am here for a reason and I have to remind myself that some answers come with time. I love to have answers right away, but that goes with the nature of wanting to own a thing. We have to possess something in order to feel connected to it when in actuality, we own nothing. We are beings designed to go through this school and learn as much as we possibly can.

I look out over a beet crimson sunset and know that i am where i need to be in my life. Maybe my life won’t entail being a dad or being in love and that is okay. I said that two years ago, i said it a year ago and I will say it again today. It is what it is. Honor the connections and be me. When i focus on being in love, i forget about love itself and how much life loves me.