Skip to main content

the more questions i ask, the more questions i have...




although love may be great, it is oft detrimental to this lion

Chad Bordes

Seems like the more I learn the less i know. It seems that this is a recurring theme in my life and it is one i need to live by. Love is something this guys probably shouldn’t get involved in. It makes me to emotional and keeps me from being a great person. It is great to love people, just not one person. I have been in the situation a few times before where i have been in love and i know how detrimental it can be to me. My pie becomes all out of whack and I become someone I am not used to.

I wish i could have a better balance but for some reason love is a drug for me so it is best if i give worldly love and recieve it back from the universe. Erasmus terms it “Studeo” or the zealous pursuit of something. I think it can be harmful to my health. Love affects most people in a positive way, it affects me negatively. With the first feeling of emotion, i begin to feel doubtful and undeserving of love that someone gives me (when i feel the need to love someone).

I have amazing connections with people and those connections are positive and blessed. When i feel that i am falling or allowing myself to be open, i give too much and become this over emotional beast. Thats not the Chad everyone knows and loves. I am a much more giving loving person when i love myself and just be me. Why is this so contradictory to what i learned growing up? Why can’t it be more simple than that? Why can’t we just fall in love (if we are supposed to) and it be easy?

The more questions i have, the less answers and more questions. I think, “maybe i should become a hobit and not interact with anyone, but that is not my destiny. I am here for a reason and I have to remind myself that some answers come with time. I love to have answers right away, but that goes with the nature of wanting to own a thing. We have to possess something in order to feel connected to it when in actuality, we own nothing. We are beings designed to go through this school and learn as much as we possibly can.

I look out over a beet crimson sunset and know that i am where i need to be in my life. Maybe my life won’t entail being a dad or being in love and that is okay. I said that two years ago, i said it a year ago and I will say it again today. It is what it is. Honor the connections and be me. When i focus on being in love, i forget about love itself and how much life loves me.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Feels like a throat punch to my heart

So, I thought today was going to be just another Sunday of lounging around and netflixing.  I don't think I have ever been so wrong in my life.  To start with, Facebook reminded me of my memories.  I happened to click on a friends link and decided to follow another link to my very first girlfriends sisters page.  Its random how I got there, but I blame facebook.

To my shock, I saw that her sister had passed on the 22nd of November.  I was shocked because I knew that she wasn't that old.  I reached out to an old mutual acquaintance and found out it was pretty sudden and unexpected.  That had me in some kinda mood.  Because of that, I began to text and email friends and check in and make sure then were okay.

I got a text message from a close colleague I used to work with at a previous job.

Beck: "whats shakin CB"
Me: "Not much just wanted to say hello.  Had a wake up call today.  Found out first girlfriends sister just passed away.  So sad...she was young"
B…

Just a friendly update on me :-)

Hey everyone

Just wanted to give an update. You may remember that I said I was going to be coming back to California, well it is official.  I am heading down May 1. I will most likely take the train and stop in Napa to visit my cousin Stephen Bordes at his winery for a day or two.  From there, I will catch a train to San diego.

I am currently looking for work and open to any positions that may be available, I just ask that you don't hold it against me because I have a masters degree.  I have seen many companies shy away from hiring me because I have a Masters Degree.  I am honestly looking to get off my feet and find a base of operation. My home is California and I know that now.  I am native and the air, soil and water are in my bones.

I am looking to establish which means I will need to find a place to live (that I pay for monthly), maybe even get a car (down the road) for now I know that I will have to use the bus and I am okay with that. I am nervous as hell about this move …

Movie Review: The Family Fang- 4.5 out of 5 stars

Narrator:  Imagine your dead. Feel yourself go numb. Start with your fingers, move to your hands, your wrists, right on up to your elbows. Everything is dead. If we can imagine our own death, but still manage to come back to life, then it proves we can survive, anything.

Baxter Fang: Don't be afraid. Own the moment. If you're in control then the chaos will happen around you and not to you.

This was one of the best and possibly overlooked movies of 2015 (which is why I am just now reviewing it in 2016) in my humbled opinion.  Jason Bateman is not only an incredible actor, but an extremely talented director.  I was never a fan of arrested development (probably because I never watched it).  However, after seeing Bad Words and now The Family Fang, I have a whole new respect for Jason Bateman

The story line:Annie and Baxter, the adult children of the controversial husband and wife conceptual performance art couple famous for their quirky macabre public performances, have never got ove…