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2000-09-17-good day

Today was a good day. I did a bunch of yard work. Planted trees and some shrubs and some ornamental grasses. Turned out really well. I also cut and replaced molding that Jasmine ate. I am going to have to repaint and buy paint that will match the trim and baseboards.

Maryann and I went to coldstones and had some kick butt ice cream with twix. I took a two hour nap from 2 to 4. What a great nap. Had a horrible dream, probably because of what is going on. see below
In my dream this afternoon, Maryann and I were talking about us. She said that I was a horrible lover and that she had been dating behind my back. She kept pointing out different guys that she thought were cute and guys she had been out with.

She also said that she never enjoyed making love to me. She said that the last time we made love that all she could think about was how horrible it was.

She shared that her new lover was much better and knew how to satisfy her. She began laughing at how pathetic I was and how she was looking forward to moving out to be with this new man...finally I awoke.
I am unsure if and when Maryann and I will file. I am sure it will be once I get some money. We talked today and I tried to explain myself and my thoughts about the marriage better. I guess I understand and respect how hurt she is. Its a shame that my understanding occured so late and that things couldn't be reconciled.

Anyhow, I think I learned a lot from the marriage. I have learned that I have to be there in order to make a relationship work. I am learning to become more assertive in the things i need.I have also learned that I want to meet someone strong, self confident and forgiving. I shall work on being more responsible. I will work on being more consistent and reliable myself.

I have been in a great mood lately. I feel I am being given a second chance on things. It is an expensive cost, but at least I am learning.

Tomorrow I will tell T-man that I emasculated by quitting TGWW and how i need to make 16 bucks an hour to keep my head above water. I have to close my retirement fund (Janus) in order to make ends meet. and pay some overdue bills.

I can feel that the next weeks are going to be stressful because of the divorce, possible sale of dad's business, and worrying about mom's well being. I have to take each one one step at a time, day by day. The future is now. There is no better time than right now to get your life in gear.

I am a good person....
I am on this journey for a reason, with that reason being made evident daily
I respect myself and those around me

Until next time...


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