2000-09-23-Invalidated

Today I am pissed. I found out that Maryann is getting a massage paid for by Mark and she accepted. Once again Maryann is invalidating my feelings. She doesn't hear what I am telling her and continues to accept gifts from Mark. I can forgive it when it happened in the past, I cannot forgive it when it keeps happening. Does she feel anything for me? Her actions tell me this marriage is over. She isn't doing anything to terminate it with Mark. She is not making an effort because she feels she is "tired" or "confused" I cannot continue in a relationship when my feelings don't matter.

I know she is confused because Mark is still in the Picture. I am upset but I am glad that I can get in touch with my emotions. I feel she may be lying to me because of the past. Is she really going to see Mark? Not really a massage? A Rendezvous? I feel confused now. why can't relationships be simpler. Why cant we get into relationships w/ a handbook given to us. Why?Why!Why?

Well I shared in depth, my frustration, with Maryann, about our situation. I now feel that she wants lots of attention and Mark is giving her what she needs. I know without a shadow of doubt that she is no longer committed to us. She has shown no desire or action to change. She has no desire to make us better.

I am not going to try and make this marriage work all the time. I have tried all I can, and now i am done. The ball is now in Maryann's court. She needs good counseling and great self esteem. I am going to take out a loan...FUCK. 29 years old, not a penny to my name. Maryann took out all of the money from the Janus fund. I now know what it means to be down and out. I am there. I have lost everything. Pride...self esteem, money...who knew?

I need help in the worst of all ways. I feel irrational right now. I need time to gather myself. I need time to figure out where to go/what to do...

Someone please help...Please!!!!!!!!!!!!1

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