Skip to main content


Today I am pissed. I found out that Maryann is getting a massage paid for by Mark and she accepted. Once again Maryann is invalidating my feelings. She doesn't hear what I am telling her and continues to accept gifts from Mark. I can forgive it when it happened in the past, I cannot forgive it when it keeps happening. Does she feel anything for me? Her actions tell me this marriage is over. She isn't doing anything to terminate it with Mark. She is not making an effort because she feels she is "tired" or "confused" I cannot continue in a relationship when my feelings don't matter.

I know she is confused because Mark is still in the Picture. I am upset but I am glad that I can get in touch with my emotions. I feel she may be lying to me because of the past. Is she really going to see Mark? Not really a massage? A Rendezvous? I feel confused now. why can't relationships be simpler. Why cant we get into relationships w/ a handbook given to us. Why?Why!Why?

Well I shared in depth, my frustration, with Maryann, about our situation. I now feel that she wants lots of attention and Mark is giving her what she needs. I know without a shadow of doubt that she is no longer committed to us. She has shown no desire or action to change. She has no desire to make us better.

I am not going to try and make this marriage work all the time. I have tried all I can, and now i am done. The ball is now in Maryann's court. She needs good counseling and great self esteem. I am going to take out a loan...FUCK. 29 years old, not a penny to my name. Maryann took out all of the money from the Janus fund. I now know what it means to be down and out. I am there. I have lost everything. Pride...self esteem, money...who knew?

I need help in the worst of all ways. I feel irrational right now. I need time to gather myself. I need time to figure out where to go/what to do...

Someone please help...Please!!!!!!!!!!!!1


Popular posts from this blog

Feels like a throat punch to my heart

So, I thought today was going to be just another Sunday of lounging around and netflixing.  I don't think I have ever been so wrong in my life.  To start with, Facebook reminded me of my memories.  I happened to click on a friends link and decided to follow another link to my very first girlfriends sisters page.  Its random how I got there, but I blame facebook.

To my shock, I saw that her sister had passed on the 22nd of November.  I was shocked because I knew that she wasn't that old.  I reached out to an old mutual acquaintance and found out it was pretty sudden and unexpected.  That had me in some kinda mood.  Because of that, I began to text and email friends and check in and make sure then were okay.

I got a text message from a close colleague I used to work with at a previous job.

Beck: "whats shakin CB"
Me: "Not much just wanted to say hello.  Had a wake up call today.  Found out first girlfriends sister just passed away.  So sad...she was young"

Screw back up plans

Yes I said it.  Yes I have had quite a few unsuccessful ventures and I have recently started reading blogs that suggest backup plans.  I don't agree and I will tell you why.

When you have a back up plan you have an "oh shit that didn't work and I have to do something about it". Its like whatever it is going on in your life is going to fail or stop being at some point. Newsflash: You are correct!  NOTHING lasts forever. Your job, your marriage, your income stream, your family and most certainly not your startup or your job.  For those of you wishing to go back to the old days, its not going to happen.  The age of chivalry is dying and the startup that you create will be dead within 10-15 years.  We don't live in our parents or grandparents economy. Hell the way we communicate is changing. See example below and try and decipher what I am saying to you


Did you figure it out yet.  If so, please pat yourself …

Just a friendly update on me :-)

Hey everyone

Just wanted to give an update. You may remember that I said I was going to be coming back to California, well it is official.  I am heading down May 1. I will most likely take the train and stop in Napa to visit my cousin Stephen Bordes at his winery for a day or two.  From there, I will catch a train to San diego.

I am currently looking for work and open to any positions that may be available, I just ask that you don't hold it against me because I have a masters degree.  I have seen many companies shy away from hiring me because I have a Masters Degree.  I am honestly looking to get off my feet and find a base of operation. My home is California and I know that now.  I am native and the air, soil and water are in my bones.

I am looking to establish which means I will need to find a place to live (that I pay for monthly), maybe even get a car (down the road) for now I know that I will have to use the bus and I am okay with that. I am nervous as hell about this move …