Chad Writes Stuff

Decent day today.  I don't have a lot to write.  Fatima is studying for her finals and I hope she does well.  She is tired so I let her sleep until 7pm.  When she woke up she was way tired but had to head home.  I finally fell asleep at 10 and Fatima called at midnight to let me know she got tickets for Sunday for Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.  I am so excited.  It should be fun because Noah, Her mom and Dad and Rami will be there. Today was a good day Until next time...

Interesting day for me.  Work started out okay and then I got a call @10 from Fatima.  She wanted to call it quits because she found an old profile on MSN that I used to use to meet up with girls.  I told her it was deactivated, or so I thought.  She found the profile on my computer and thought that I was having cyber sex with girls.  I explained to her that I wasn't, but I was using them to communicate with other adults about my sexual thoughts anonymously. I wanted to get others opinions about sex and what it is like for them and what is acceptable and not acceptable.  I wasn't really trying to be sly about it, I was just curious.  I think it is an area we will have to work on and may have to take some time to discuss.  I haven't really been comfortable enough to discuss my thoughts with anyone, girls or guys, or Fatima, so I guess this turned out to be a blessing. Until next time.

The day started off decent.  Woke up at 8:00 and check email.  I called a company called myvesta about my debt.  I spoke with Fatima about Christmas and other stuff.  For some reason my dome light in my truck wouldn't shut off today.  I was pissed.  I yelled in my card for about 1/2 an hour.  I drove all over god's creation and tried to find a part but couldn't.  I washed the truck and cleaned my room. The party was fun last night.  I got to hang with Mike and Patti, my best friend Scott's aunt and uncle.  I went to Fatimas and had dinner.  It was very nice.  I had baked chicken, pasta, peas a potato and milk.  We started to watch "Amelie" but her dad was too tired. I spoke with Dave Balkenbush about the job.  He seems to think that I will like it.  I am going to take tuesday off to go to a job site down in San Diego to see exactly what it is he does. In all, it was a good day.  I am still concerned about th...

Soon to be turkeyday. I made it past Saturday....Yahoo!!!! Fatima and I are wierd right now, however, I think it could be her school. Not 100 percent sure. I don't like forecasting saying things will be better/worse. We have no clue how everyday will turn out so it is in our best interest to just wait. I don't want to predict how 10 minutes from now will be, cause I have no idea. Fatima missed lunch today but that was related to school. We seem very distant now, like we are growing apart. I love her dearly, but realize that she is not my security blanket. We are best friends, however, I get scared thinking about what life would be like without her. I don't like that feeling. I remember how positive i felt being single and now that security, that positive vibe seems to be missing. I have my doubts about how long she will be strong while I look for a job. I can't predict, I can feel its toll being taken. It may be just a few more months until she gets sick o...

Where do I start? Who gives a fuck. I don't anymore. I truly believe this will be the last time I write in my journal. No more bullshit...this is the real deal. Fatima is unhappy again. This is exactly where i was 2 years ago. What a familiar ghost. I am beyond help. My mind and the depression has won. I don't know who i am anymore. I tried to be a good person but I don't guess it worked. I tried to fill my emptiness with a person again. I am thinking about the Jimmy eat world song that just came on, "The Middle" again, I actually believed that shit for a while. "everything, everything will be just fine"....fucking BULLSHIT. I have failed Fatima and she is leaving me. I don't want to wait around and hurt anyone else. She is a beautiful girl and I wish her the best. She made life good...best of luck to you Fatima Suicide my friend, is back for good. This time no reqrets, sorry mom, sorry Christina, sorry family, sorry friends. I am d...

Last day in Paris. Fun fun fun. Woke up at 6:30 to go to Muse de Orsey. Saw Rodin, Monet, Manet, Renoir and other magnificent artists. We ate at a little cafe and had the Croque Monsieur...which is my favorite sandwich. At 3:30 we met Lisa and Danielle at the Notre dame for a walk in the Latin Quarter. Stopped at the Village Ransard. Had some espresso, cappuccino and some beer. Lisa tried a hefewizen brand that was very tasty. Fatima had a beer and she normally never drinks. It was a great way to end our trip in Paris. Our waiter was super friendly and fun. The Sun crept out every so often and warmed the mild breeze that was blowing through the Rue de Carmes. Paris has taught me to slow down once again. We as Americans don't take enough time to enjoy what we have. We eat too fast, drive even faster and smell the flowers even less. We don't taste our food and dont really enjoy the company that we keep that well. Paris has been a great learning experience. The peopl...

Today was great. Started off rough, but ended very nice. We had and argument but ended up going our own separate ways (from lisa and danielle). It was about to get ugly, but we decided to split up and that god we did. Fatima and I went all over Paris and did our own thing which turned out to be a blessing in disguise. We went up near Montmartre and walked around some side shops. I found this awesome pen for journaling and writing. I think it is a nice fountain pen. I love ink pens, especilly the nice ones. This one does not drip run or smudge. It reminds me of the pen my father bought for me. It was an ink pen, which i loved, however, it died. I gave my father a rollerball pen from cross which he used right up the the very end. I gave it to my uncle brad and he plans to pass it on to one of the boys. when he dies. Back to my story. Fatima and i ended up walking down by the Champs de Elysses. We walked from the Arch to the obelisque. We took picturs and then walked back....

Versailles was great. It is amazing to me to think it was all man made. 1000's of people built it and worked on it until it was complete. The gardens were so grand and the grounds were so well maintained after all these years. I thought heavily about my father yesterday. I imagined him on one of his weekend trips,coming over to Paris, taking the train to Versailles and taking mad photos with the AE-1 camera that he gave to me. I guess now that I have to pass this on to my offspring and hope they have the same respect and pass it down the line. I guess I am missing Dad more than i gave credit. I had a dream that he gave up on life just as I had/have done and that he and my mom divorced. He was trying to justify why he quit trying at the agency and what he was going to do about rent for the past two months. Sean and Becky got involved and began asking my mom about prenuptual agreements and how to get dad off the lease before anymore serious damage was done. I dreamt that he...

Beautiful day today. No clouds outside. We woke up at 7:00 instead of 6:00 but I am glad to be experiencing this. Yesterday we had a fun filled adventure. We went to the Eiffel tower, had lunch and went to Napoleons tomb. This city is an amazing array of hard work and detail. The Eiffel tower was very intriguing and tall. Apparently, it was built by the same person who built the statue of Liberty. We are going to try and squeeze in Versailles, Muse de Orsey and Montmartre. Lisa and Danielle went Saturday so they won't be joining us. I am having a cup of coffee at the moment and thinking about how simple life is right now. I have no worries at this moment and money travels far now. Reality at home is not the same. Upon return, I will have a very large truck note due and still no job. Put it off as long as you can. Worry about the future in the future, live your life now. Be here now... Until next time...

We landed in Paris yesterday and had a hard time getting to the TRV. Eventually we figured it out. The plane ride was uneventful. We flew in the new boeing 777 on United. I have to say, I wasn't overly impressed. Seats were nice, but nothing in my opinion to Delta's 767 400. We arrived at the hostel at 6pm. The girls showered and then we went to the Champs de Elysses. We ate some great food at deli. It stayed light out until 10:30 at night wierd. We ended up going to bed at 11.00. We also went to the Arch de Triomphe. Very beautiful and very large. Danielle and Lisa were excited about being in Paris. I am excited too. I always think it is great to learn about new things and new places in life. People, so far, are very friendly. Smile and they smile back, laugh, and you have made a new friend... Until next time.

Nobody understands me. I feel completely alone and realize for the first time in my life, just how alone I am...No girlfriend, no friends, no family. My truck has caused me more grief than it is worth. Money is so tight for me and I am not enjoying life because of it. I have begun resenting my truck... The voices in my head tell me I would be better off dead. Sometimes I agree. Maybe if I pull myself far away, no one will care. Then when I am far enough away, take my own life. I now realize that Fatima is too busy in her own life to care or help me through my struggles. I am not able to deal with myself anymore, so how can she be. My ability to be has left me. I shall not hurt anyone else or let anyone else love me...ever again. I shall drift into the sunset and fade away like the last beam of sunlight from the horizon. No one hears, no one cares... I started today off in a great mood and look at me now. I want to kill myself. I need help seriously and doubt that I will ...

Today was a beautiful day. I woke up at 8 and went for a run. sat outside and watched the birds and squirrels play. I seemed to have made some amazing discoveries aboutl myself today. I love myself regardless of my age. I am more experienced than most and that is a good thing. Those that don't like that statement, just suck. Mom seems like she doesn't want to go back to Mississippi. She needs to find a good therapist as well as Doctor Shawn. She needs minimal convincing that this is home. The zoloft seems to be working well for her and she is weaning off the Lorazepam. I will make this reccomendation to Christina. Mom suffers from the same things that I have struggled with. Time shall hopefully bring her through. I learn more about me as time goes on. Regardless of what others may say or think about me. I am a good man. I have forgiven those around me as well as those not still around me. (aka dad) Stop the voices in your head...No more lies...you are okay Until ...

Driving up to Christina's, I realized that I need to fall in love with myself. In listening to the radio, the listeners phoned in and said that "all the self help books in the world won't help those that need to learn to love themselves" God I am tired. I would love to nap right now. I am depressed...why? Chemically my brain isn't working the way it is designed to. Why am I depressed? Life around me at this moment is good. I have twenty bucks to my name, Sun is out, Mom is safe, Poquito is in good health, I can eat when I need to. I am healthy, my teeth are good, I am handsome, I have a car, I have ajob. I have someone who loves me and I love them back, I sleepwell, I have a roof over my head and I helped pay for a vacation to Europe. Until next time...

Its coming up on 2 years since i started this journal and I am not even 1/2 way through. I lack direction and motivation. When will you choose to end this cycle chad. When will you Chaddy boy start accepting responisibility for your life. Here it is 2 years later and you are still in the same predicament. No money and buying things you cannot afford. We leave for Paris soon and for the first time in my life I am not happy to be going. I don't feel like I deserve to be going. I feel that I need to stay here and earn my responsibility. On the other hand, If I don't go, I will be hated by all including me. I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. What should I do? In a way, I wish my dad was here to talk to. He always seemed to have the right answer at the time. I am not where I want to be because I don't take responsibility for my lack of choices. I need to make a work decision and soon. Until next time...

I have been in a horrible mood lately. Last 3 days have been off. Red Robin wants me to move into management. It isn't what I like. I seem to settle for second best. I took it because once again I do not feel in control. I don't feel loved or needed. I am putting fatima out of my mind for a minute and i feel alone, lonely, vulnerable, and upset. I settled once again. Fatima wants more time with Erika than me...Erika is going through a tough time. I am trying to allow Fatima the space she needs. Sometimes I am overly needy. I admit it...am i wrong? I need to feel (emphasize feel) loved. Last 2 days have made me feel unimportant. Both in work and in love. Fatima is spending lots of time with Erika. Maybe I should...stop making assumptions as always...Brain...for once in your life..SHUT THE FUCK UP. Fatima loves you she is just occupied with Kah-Kah because of the divorce. Let it be known I have needs. Fatima may be able to go weeks or months without seeing me, how...

Had a fantastic morning with Fatima. I think the main reason is that we both love each other so much. She is amazing. It is pretty fantastic to think that I wasnt loved in my marriage and then I met Fatima and now I realize how I deserve to be treated. She loves me so much. She would never hurt me. I am so thankful I met her. She is wonderful Until next time...

Great realization this morning. My perception is often skewed not reality. Bad days are days when perception has run awry. Work was wierd. I couldn't find my groove. At one point I had 10 tables. It was hard and one of the tables got the wrong food which Tracy comped. I was mad because I was so busy. My perception was off and I kept having negative doubts about me and my life. I think i am doing okay at thwarting my minds effort to convince me that life was bad. Until next time...

Not a great day. I filled out resumes and completed as much as I could today. I realized I am not driven because my parents never pushed me. I need more of the driving force like Fatima. I get bored very easy and lose attention span quickly. This could be part of the reason I cannot find a career I like. I hope in recognizing this pattern that it may help me for decisions in the future. Anyhow, i sleep now... Until next time...

I realize in looking back, I lack direction and focus. I have had a million ideas and non have ever florished. I tend to get distracted and not realize what I really want. I need to set focus andd direction goals. Focus on one things and become really good at it. Direct my energies towards work. My direction shall be pursuing real estate. I want to pay off my debt by years end. I want to be debt free and start looking for a place for fatima and I. I need to stop minimizing my problems and know that they are real. Fatima cheers me up and is a wonderful woman. I was very upset today because I couldn't go visit my mom and Christina...bummer. However, this is not the direction or tone of my life. Just a bad day. Learn to accept, love and move on. I love me. until next time...