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Doubt...

Day 2

I hear her cough, I twinge; I see her twinge, i squirm
I can't help wanting to run to her rescue every time she moves. Can I calm her anxiety when she wakes up. The tracheotomy was today and the surgery was a success. I can't help but doubt my existence every time she hurts.

I don't know why but it is built into my system. I want to fix everything and make it all better. I guess it comes from watching parents with alcohol problems when I was younger. My mom is a sweet angel and sometimes I can't fix it and I get frustrated.

I have to take a step back and breathe. Sometimes i feel so alone and helpless, like no matter what I do, it will never be close to enough. I never realized how hard this was going to be. I tell people that there is never an obstacle that cant be overcome, but then I am faced with this and doubt enters my mind like a snake climbing up through a tree branch.

I begin to ask questions like, "maybe if I would have been more responsible, I could have provided her with home care or possibly her own home nurse", "maybe If i hadn't smoked that cigarette when I was 12, she would never have gotten cancer" All of the doubts assail me and I try to stand strong.

I look at my mothers fragile little frame and think is this what life is supposed to be like? A series of tubes and wires, not the internet is keeping her stable and telling doctors what they need to know. Its just a weird place to be.

Its a challange like none other I have experienced, but I do it for love because she is the only mom I have. I am glad to be here helping out, but doubt is kicking my ass at times. To all my family and friends, thank you for all the emails, texts and phone calls, I am not sure I could do it without you. You are all a blessing in my life.

Until next time...

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