Showing posts from November, 2012

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you just can't...

Make someone love you.  No matter how hard you think it, will it or ask the universe for it...It ain't happening.  Relationships run their course, one person may hang on while the other may flee.  Communication is a key component and you have to make sure your communicating at the same level.  My professor, Robert Donofrio, once sat in our "Drugs in the Human Body" class and asked us, "Do you hear me?"

Many of the students said "yes, loud and clear" and then he repeated the question, "Do you hear me?"  You see he wasn't looking for a correct answer, for I believe he was looking for individual responses.  You see the ear is complex and because of this each person hears something differently.  It could be the tone that makes each of us hear something different and how it gets processed.  Its one of the very unique characteristics of humans.  Animals of course use sound for a multitude of reasons that I don't want to get into, but much o…

The nights are the hardest

I miss lying next to her.  I miss her in her spot on my shoulder.  I miss honeybunny, big kitty and baby kitty coming up as soon as we snuggled in and making their spots on the bed.  My sleeping patterns have changed alot in the past week.  Im lucky if I get 4-5 hours of solid sleep in a night.

Everyone says it gets easier, and if i had a dollar for every time I have heard it, I would be a wealthy man.  It doesn't make it easier.  I guess going through it makes it easier, or not.   Its hard because I opened myself up totally to her.  I allowed myself to trust and trust the process and that is why I hurt so deeply at night.  I allowed myself to be open to all that it would entail.  Good or bad, i tried to put it all out there.  I guess that is another reason it hurts so much.  I trusted her in my entirety.  I trusted that in good or bad she would be there.  Maybe I was naive, but that is what love is, being naive and open.

For all its flaws and all its greatness, I miss her.  I miss …

5 days in the same shirt. A bout with Mental Illness

Im going to try as best as I can to describe the details of the last 5 days.  I am not proud of it, but I think everyone needs to hear this.  Its not pretty and its not beautiful.  Its very dark and those of you that know me may wonder how this could have ever happened.  It started thursday night and finished today at 11:30.

I had one of the worst days of my life on Thursday that I have ever experienced in a long time.  For some reason my mind got away from me and I started spiraling out of control.  My thoughts were dark and I was lonely and I was missing my mom and dad and basically going to the worst case scenario of my life.

Longer story shorter, I checked into a hotel on Thursday night with my dark thoughts.  I decided to check in there because I wasn't sure if I would be able to spend the night with the love of my life because she was going to be at her parents that night.  I was feeling distant from her and felt very alone for some reason.  I began writing and as many of yo…