mental flow and irrigation...


I can't shake this feeling that I just don't belong whatever things I needed to share, have been just that and its time for me to transition on...  I don't feel the connection to the universe like I used to, I feel so completely detached.  I seek out truth and love and some sort of confirmation, but lately all I hear is silence or maybe its my madness.  I see my mom fighting to get better and somehow, my own desire to continue wains.

I want to walk away from it all, isolate myself like Thoreau.  No connection in any way to the outside world.  No news, no phones. no computer, no car, no people....nothing.  My faith in myself is dwindling and my connection fades.  I don't hear, see or feel the goodness.  My mind it lies to me... Maybe I am crazy.

I walk in the sun but I don't feel it.  I see the breeze blowing around me, but I don't feel it.  Particular lyrics come to mind...

"The sun brought me
The moon caught me
The wind fought me
The rain got me
The road sent me
For years bent me
The stars overwhelmed me
Time and again

But now I can't see the stars
The star is a thing I can't see
And now I don't feel the same
To feel is a thing I can't be

Earth crushed me
Fame brushed me
The streets hushed me
As life touched me
Time placed me
Events dazed me
Love saved me
Now and again

But now there can be no love
Love is a thing I can't be
And there can be no trust
Trust is a thing I can't see
But now there can be no love
Love is a thing that can't be
Now I can't be so strong
Strong is a thing I can't be..."

This song could be about really anything as we have all had a myriad of occurrences that has happened to us.  Falling in love and getting hurt is the first thing that passes my consciousness.  Another plausible explanation is maybe it is about someone who wouldn't allow themselves to feel and now, its impossible to feel, or perhaps it is someone who used up all of their love and feelings early on in life, but now suffer from the inability to do either of these things.  In any case they are brilliant and I found this song come on today in the midst of it all.

Its just thoughts people.  I feel what I think and I write what i feel.  In the midst of it all, I have to maintain some sanity to keep my mom strong.  I can't lie and it does drain me mentally.  I can't say I have ever felt this way. I want there to be some semblance of love that I have felt in the past, but I don't.   I guess its just one of those days.   Hopefully you are able to keep the clouds at bay and feel the sunshine on your face and the wind at your back.

Until next time...

Comments

  1. jeeez, you sound depressed... the illness of your mom has got you feeling rather blue. Happiness really is a choice that you have to make, sometimes you have to move up the emotional scale moment by moment, always searching for that better feeling thought... takes focus and awareness, but worth every moment... simply - you have the choice to feel a little bit worse or a little bit better, it's entirely up to you! Love to hear that you are choosing to smile again...

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  2. It's just a day. Some are good and many suck. It's a fact. There will be more ahead so now it's time to figure out how to deal with horrible, dark, disconnected days like today. Sometimes ... can I suggest you just roll with it? Allow the clouds to hover and wallow in the feelings. Not forever, just for a day, or even two. Give yourself permission to take the pressure off your shoulders to make everything better. It's a lot and you're allowed to breath.
    So sleep well tonight and just put it behind you. That crazy brain of yours will figure things out and find a way ... even if you can't see that now.
    Talk soon, OK?

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  3. Joay
    Thanks for the kind words and you are correct. I have just felt off my game for the past couple of weeks. I am trying to see the forest for the trees, but it has been difficult. I appreciate your kind words and am getting better by the day...

    Chad

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